Southern Charm Not so Charming

Southern Charm is not so charming. In fact, I’m not even sure why I am still watching this group of useless southerners.  There was a time when I was dying to live in Charleston, South Carolina. It seemed totally charming and amazing.  I’m pretty sure I’ve changed my mind, although I still want the black bean cakes from Magnolias.

The only one on Southern Charm worth a damn is Cameran. She’s beautiful, charming, has her shit together, actually works and I can’t figure out why she hangs cameronout with the rest of them.  You notice her husband doesn’t.  (Smart guy) She married a doctor and I think it’s completely adorable that the saucepan she got as a wedding gift more than a year ago was still in the box when she went to throw her first dinner party.  I remember when she started in real estate and was working out of her mother’s house. Now her career seems to be thriving enough to hire an assistant; however, I’m not sure she’s making the best decision on who that should be. However, I do have to admire her for wanting to help a friend.  That being said I think she needs some new friends or should start hanging out with her husband’s friends.

When it comes to Thomas Ravenel I don’t even know where to begin.  This guy is a dirt bag, pure slime; he should be a politician. Oh wait! He was and went to jail!  The only thing remotely appealing about T Rav is his wallet and that’s not enough for me; but, it seems to be enough for a lot of women to sleep with him.  What this guy is doing sleeping with a 20 year old, let alone having two kids with her is beyond reproach and borders on child abuse.  Now that he’s got TWO kids with Kathryn he doesn’t even step up to the plate to support them.  This is disgusting.  He exhibits absolutely no intention of helping support these kids, yet complains about not seeing them enough.  He actually seems proud of the fact that Kathryn isn’t “getting any of his money.” It doesn’t even phaze him that his baby momma has to live with her parents.  T Rav is phlegm in a nice suit.  Where is the Southern Charm in this guy? Forget Southern, what is there to like about this ass hat? He’s got enough money for a house, plantation, string of polo ponies, etc. but doesn’t spend any money on his kids? He was boasting about it!  Hey dude, ever hear of condoms?t rav and katheryn

Kathryn has her haters, but I actually feel sorry for her. What 20 year old wouldn’t be seduced by a guy with lots of money, proclaiming his love, and promising to take care of her forever?  Obviously someone with daddy issues, but I won’t go there.  Kathryn is smarter than people give her credit for and the fact that the rest of the group has shunned her is a blessing; she just doesn’t realize it yet.

As for Shep and Whitney, I’m not sure what these two do or why they merit being on TV.  Whitney appears to live off his crazy mother (we’ll get to her later) and have no life of his own.  What does he do exactly?  Shep? Well, I’m just confused as to his existence on the planet.

patriciaPatricia, ah yes, Patricia.  I suppose she’s supposed to be the epitome of the old fashioned southern belle who married (and divorced well) but quite honestly I find her revolting.  She’s so full of herself wearing her bed jackets and being served by her butler.  Then she takes the butler with her to someone else’s house?  The way she and the butler interact with one another is creepy. It’s like modern day slavery, although I’m pretty sure he’s got nice accommodations and a decent salary.  This caftan-clad, condescending, judgmental Patricia seems perfectly content holed up in her mansion being waited on hand and foot, throwing elaborate dinner parties and mingling with the other socialites.  She’s another one who seems totally useless. If she’s so upper crust, why on Earth would she have Thomas Ravenel at her house? Why would she even be seen with that convicted felon, low life, scumbag.  If Patricia epitomizes Southern Charm, I think I’ll stay in NJ.craig

Then there’s Craig.  He might be the next Cameran – or not.  After being a total disaster last year and going home to Delaware, he seems to actually be getting his shit together, getting a job, and rumor has it will actually take the bar exam?  The only thing that’s a little odd is the long distance relationship with the French chick.  After an 8 month long distance relationship, he moved in with her and proceeded to buy her a promise ring? Is this high school? A promise ring?  WTF?  The only thing stranger than this is that Cameran (the voice of reason) thought it was a great idea. Cameran, were you drunk?

The only other person on Southern Charm I have a fondness for is Landon. I feel for Landon.  She seems like a sweet kid and divorce is tough. I give her a lot of credit for rebuilding her life, on camera no less, and maybe she can be the next Cameran.  She does seem to actually have Southern Charm and she’s humble.

When it comes to Bravo programming I get the appeal and drama of most of it; however, when it comes to Southern Charm this show is a bust.

 

Abby Lee Miller goes to Australia

Dance Mom’s Abby Lee Miller has now taken her elite competition team to Australia….sort of.  It seems that Abby isn’t satisfied with spreading her evil ways across the US (from PA to LA) but is now in Australia; however, she only invited her four faves: Maddie, Kenzie, Kendall, and Kalani.  Not wanting to be left out of the trip Down Under, Nia and JoJo and their moms tagged along.

The girls were invited to perform at the Astra Awards, Australia’s version of the Emmys.  During the performance, superstar Maddie fell out of a turn which ultimately sent her running into the bathroom in tears.  Abby didn’t say a word.  What happened to “save your tears for your pillow?”  Had it been anyone else that fell out of a turn during a performance Abby would have gone ballistic and probably pulled their solos for six months while screaming and yelling like a banshee.

How much money are the dance moms spending to spend three weeks in Australia?  I’m also not sure why they are there as the next stop was a performance in Melbourne.  It looked like a performance of one dance.  Perhaps the US is tired of Abby Lee Miller and her antics and the land of Oz was the farthest away she could get?  Rumor has it that the Australian dance community wasn’t too happy about her being there.  Abby’s response to that was “any press is good press if they spell your name right.”

The trip began with Abby losing her passport, driver’s license, and credit cards on her way to the airport; but the girls and moms were already in Australia. How she managed to get it all sorted and get there in two days remains a mystery.  I  had my wallet stolen and it took weeks to get all new documents.

So the fabulous four are on tour but Nia and JoJo’s mom’s weren’t about to let their kids be left out!  Holly hired a celebrity entourage to stage a live performance for Nia in Melbourne.  How much money does this woman have?  She flew in a stylist, makeup artist, producer, etc. and hired the  “best back up dancers” in Australia.  She felt bad that JoJo was left out in the cold so she let JoJo be a part of the performance and scheduled it the same day Abby’s girls were performing.  The other moms put in an appearance but the fab four were absent.

I was shocked to see the giant stage, complete with a large screen and the tons of people that showed up to see Nia perform. The chants of NIA NIA NIA would make you think Beyoncé was on stage.  One song – probably cost a zillion dollars and Holly thinks this is going to skyrocket her kid to stardom in the US.  I’m not too sure about this. Holly might be living on delusional island.

I believe Abby and the dance moms are now headed back to LA.  It amazes me that these women are willing to leave their husbands and other children in Pittsburgh to follow the evil Abby to California. I think the siblings are going to have severe abandonment issues when they grow up.  Do these kids go to school? I know Maddie and Kenzie are home schooled, which is a little scary if you ask me.  The evil genius that she is, Abby really has these mothers believing all their kids are going to be the next Brittany Spears.  I’m curious to see how many of them end up as screwed up as Brittany.

I’m sure they’ll need years of therapy just to recover from Abby.  The dance moms could already use a lot of therapy, especially Jill.  I thought she had learned to keep her mouth shut? Apparently that’s just with Abby because she just loves to stir the pot with the other mothers.

I can’t wait to see what Abby Lee Miller has in store next.  Again, another train wreck I can’t look away from.

 

Bravo Shows Ending. What to do now?

bravo logoSo I’ve admitted to being addicted to reality TV, especially Bravo but now two of my favorite Bravo TV shows are ending their seasons and the rest have already ended, leading me to wonder what am I going to watch this summer?

First Bravo ended the Real Housewives of Atlanta  and now we’re onto Kandi’s ski trip which is the most dysfunctional, ungrateful group of people on Earth. Kandi is kind enough to take these relatives and friends on an incredible holiday and all they do is bitch and complain. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to her mother and the aunts are even worse!

Shas of Sunset has only one episode left and then the reunion.  Why does Bravo  film so few episodes of these fun loving, wild, and whacky characters? I feel like Reza and Asa have become friends and now they are leaving me!  Every Monday I look forward to spending an hour with the Persian Pop Priestess and Gay Gandhi. There go my rejection and abandonment issues again.

While I find Bravo’s Southern Charm to be useless it is literally a train wreck I can’t stop watching.  The disappointing season finale was last night.  I find these people really annoying, except for Cameron who is the only one who seems to have her shit together. I can’t figure out why she hangs out with the rest of them.  Thomas Ravenel gives me the creeps and he’s a total moron.  What 50-something convicted felon, knocks up a 21 year old to begin with, let alone leaves her in the lurch? Then he thinks it’s a great idea to run for the US Senate, as an independent no less.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Why not just set your money on fire?  His baby mamma has had to move back in with her parents and it doesn’t appear that Thomas is planning on supporting either one of them, despite his pledge to her that he would always take care of both of them. Yes, he’s a pig and a creepy one at that. The fact that he dumped her on Facebook leaves me speechless.  Asshat.

Even Survivor is over!  Jeff Probst has the best job in the world.  He most likely works about two hours a day during production and spends the rest of the time sipping cocktails at a five star resort right near camp, while raking in a small fortune.  I’ve been told the contestants can actually smell the food from the resort. Now THAT’S really cruel.  Probst also looks fantastic. He’s in his 50s and showed off his ripped physique during a couple of episodes of Two and a Half Men, another show that sadly ended this year.  Even Bones is ending in another couple episodes and it is uncertain if the show will be renewed.

This basically leaves me with Million Dollar Listing, which I really like but I never remember when it’s on. Bravo is about to start the Real Housewives of Orange County so that’s a little relief.  I have no use at all for the RHONY except for the Countess who appears to be the only one with her head on straight.

I’m aching for a new season of Project Runway and Tim Gunn, even though it’s not on Bravo.

Maybe this is the Universe’s way of telling me I need to start reading again.

 

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

The Shahs of Sunset

It’s all fun and games  for the Shahs of Sunset.  These guys are always partying and eating incredible amounts of food that look obscenely delicious  Their lives seem to be set on permanent Spring Break; but, unlike the RHOBH, I don’t see any rich husbands.

I watch the Shahs of Sunset because I find it utterly fascinating and it makes me want to learn to speak Farsi.

This is one hard partying group with seemingly bottomless bank accounts yet only three of them appear to have jobs.

Asa, the self-proclaimed Persian Pop Priestess is my favorite although I have a soft spot for Reza the self-proclaimed Gay Gandhi.  Asa appears to be fabulously wealthy and unemployed. She says they are refugees who left Iran with nothing.  Her house is enormous and I believe she also has a guest house. Last I saw Asa she was waving a pendulum over various Mercedes convertibles trying to decide which one to get.  When she sat down with the sales person he said $1199/mo. and $3000 down.  She said she was fine with the $1199 but if it was $2000 down she’d do it and off she drove.  Who on the planet pays $1199/mo. for ANY car?  What’s in that hookah of hers?

She’s got her Diamond Water. Has anyone actually seen it in a store? I don’t think so. Andy Cohen recently asked her and she said it was sold out. Asa seems to do some really nutty things like charging water with diamonds and the ritual to pick out the perfect diamond was quite a production. Yet, all this seems to suit her and make her all the more charming.  She is elegant, beautiful, comfortable in her own skin, and always the peace maker. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen her fight with anyone.  She even remained calm while Jessica railed her. Personally, I would have stabbed Jessica in the eye with a fork.

I don’t get Jessica.  She’s gone to hell and back just to get Mike to propose and if I’m going to be totally honest, Mike seems like a total ass.  He’s rude, has dissed his friends, and took advantage of Reza’s generosity when they teamed up to work together. Reza did all the work while Mike sat around and complained a lot. He appears completely useless and not particularly likeable.  To that degree, he and Jessica do make the perfect couple.

GG is the Shah’s version of Brandi from RHOBH.  She’s usually drunk and fights with everyone.  At least Brandi sort of has a job – sort of.  GG seems to do nothing except drink, fight with everyone, and rattle around in her giant pig sty of a condo.  She also recently had a boob job and a booty job where they injected the fat from her flanks into her ass.  Maybe she secretly wants a job on the RHOA who are all bootylicious.

GG accused mike of trying to nail her in Turkey and even went so far as to take a lie detector test to prove it.  The test showed she was without a doubt telling the truth. Mike is sticking to his denial.  I don’t see him stepping up to the plate to take a lie detector test of his own. Good for you GG! Maybe you are finally turning your life around.  Does this mean you’ll be getting a job?

I like MJ.  She’s not afraid to show off her curves but those bodacious boobies deserve a show of their own. I recently saw her on Andy Cohen wearing a dress with a plunging cleavage and obviously no bra. She said she was being held up with duct tape. I, myself, am a large breasted woman and it’s not comfortable.  She’s got to be utterly miserable lugging those things around.  I like that she has finally found love in a guy who seems to genuinely adore everything about her and is even ten years her junior. You go girl!  Hey, it worked for Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon, for a while.

MJ also seems to have a job although we rarely get to see her in her office. Her mother is one tough cookie and reminds me a lot of my mother.  That’s real emotional abuse. Perhaps MJ and Kandi from the RHOA could get together and commiserate, because Mamma Joyce ain’t no picnic!

But MJ went off the deep end when she put her dead dog in her own freezer.  I loved my first dog like nothing else in my life. Five years later I still grieve for him; however I would not have put him in my freezer nor had him stuffed. (I do wish I had clipped a piece of his fur but he died when I was out of town.)  MJ is planning on getting her dog stuffed.  Did she watch too many episodes of Dance Moms?

I love Reza and Adam. Reza seems to be the most successful Sha and building a real estate empire. You have to love someone that has $3000 in cash in his pocket to buy caviar from a vending machine.  I don’t even think Charlie Sheen carries around $3000, well then again, he probably does – hooker/cocaine money.  Reza is so sweet and caring, always trying to fix things when this group of friends turn on one another. Frenemies again?  It seems every Bravo show cast is comprised of frenemies.  I also love his fiancé and yes, I did notice the engagement ring came in a Cartier box.  That Reza has a lot of class and GG could learn a few things from him if she weren’t so pig headed all the time.

The newest Shaette, Asifa and her ex-husband/boyfriend whatever his name is, are a mystery to me.  These two seem like absolute jerks.  Her significant other just showed off his new Bentley to Mike and in the driveway were at least half a dozen other six figure cars.  Who needs that many cars?  What is this guy trying to prove? Is he compensating for …. well, you know what I’m getting at.  I’d love to know what he does for a living because I’m definitely in the wrong business.

Asifa is a spoiled brat who has taken self esteem to a delusional level.   The boyfriend/ex-husband demanded (you demand?) that Asifa give his dog a bath.  She was so mean to that poor little dog I was horrified. She complains about everything and if I had to live with that jerk, I probably would too.  It’s no wonder that Mike and whatever his name remained friends, after Mike ostracized himself from the group. Birds of a feather…

I will keep watching these perky Persians, because I’m addicted and I still want to learn to speak Farsi.

There’s that addiction to chaos again.

Note to self: Call Adrien Blackwell ASAP

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shark Tank – Mr. Wonderful and the Gang

Shark Tank has become one of my favorite shows where people with ideas for businesses, some brilliant, some idiotic, appear in front of five uber rich people hoping to get an investment.  They are what Daymond John calls YOLO moments: You only live once.

Kevin O’Leary is to Shark Tank as Simon Cowell was to American Idol, but funnier.  His nickname is “Mr. Wonderful.”  (I think Barbara gave him that moniker.) Someone has to chronicle some of Kevin’s most notable quotes and it might as well be me.

  • Don’t cry for money; it never cries for you.
  • What’s the only thing that matters? MONEY!
  • You are part genius, part nut bar factor six.
  • This is poo poo on a stick.
  • This is crap. Take it behind the barn and shoot it.
  • This is a nothing burger!
  • Stop the madness!
  • That’s why they call me Mr. Wonderful.
  • I forbid you to keep doing this.
  • Don’t disrespect the money
  • Why don’t we hold hands and sing kumbaya
  • You’ll be crushed like the cockroach you are
  • I’m never wrong
  • I will squeeze you like a teenage pimple

I’m sure there are more but those are the ones that come to mind at the moment. Please leave comments if you can think of ones I’ve missed.

O’Leary is a total snob always telling obscure stories from mythology or quoting people no one has heard of. He also loves to talk about wine.  He claims to belong to a  secret society where people gather in France and drink zillion dollar bottles of wine.

I think I’ve only ever seen him wear black. Maybe that’s why his fellow Sharks sometimes refer to him as “the undertaker.”

I saw an interview with him where he said he will pay for his kids up to any educational level they want and then won’t give them a penny. Nice dad.

Laurie Greiner, the “Queen of QVC” has made hundreds of millions hawking her 120 patents worth of stuff on QVC and now has made a name for herself in big box stores like Walmart and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. She’s a savvy business woman but it drives me insane that she only wears her hair on one side of her head.  I’m also really sick of the peek-a-boo black dress and the God awful turquoise one. I’m guessing they shoot many episodes at once because the Sharks are usually wearing the same clothes.

Robert Herjavec is the “pretty shark.”  He doesn’t seem to get a lot of deals. He makes offers which are usually ignored by the people looking for an investment and undermined by his cast mates. He once stared someone down and said “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” I love that.  He’s also parlayed his Shark Tank Fame into a stint on Dancing with the Stars and an apparent romance with his Australian dance partner.  He seems to be the most conservative Shark, usually seen in a gray suit.

Billionaire Mark Cuban is the smug shark.  (Btw, he also appeared on Dancing with the Stars with the same Aussie partner that Herjavec has.)  He loves to sit back and watch the others duke it out and say he’s “just listening.” He’ll go for the jugular when it suits him to undermine the other Sharks.  Because he owns the Dallas Mavericks NBA team, he loves to use basketball analogies and give people a “24 second shot clock” to respond to his offers.  He can be nasty at times to both his fellow Sharks and the entrepreneurs.  He’s really good at cutting Robert out of deals. When Mark does close a deal, those people seem to do quite well. His net worth is far higher than any of the other sharks at 2.5 billion, yes that’s billion.  I have to admit that sometimes I think Mark Cuban is really hot.  Then there are times when he looks like Lurch from the Adams Family.  He also always looks like he just rolled out of bed. Ok, Erica, get your mind out of the gutter.

Barbara Corcoran rotates places with Laurie. Barbara is a “fiery real estate mogul” in New York City.  She seems quite old but talks about having a 5 year old that she takes to Gymboree. I’m quite sure she’s in her 60s.  While she made her fortune in real estate, Barbara’s entrepreneurs have done exceedingly well and she celebrates their success by taking them to her summer home on Fire Island.  If I recall she also only wears black.

Daymond John, a “fashion and branding expert” who created Fubu is an interesting guy, and by far the best dressed Shark. He looks impeccable at all times. I love the purple shirts and ties, suspenders and giant diamond earrings; but, he can be quite nasty.  Yes he’s made money; but let’s get real. He was selling hats and T-shirts and got lucky because a friend from the hood who was an up and coming rap artist agreed to wear some Fubu stuff and of course if you can get a celeb to wear your stuff, it takes off. I’m not quite sure this qualifies you as a marketing and branding expert, but again, he has made a ton of money.  His favorite thing is to pull his deals off the table, then bring them back asking for more equity.  While he doesn’t seem all that likeable on Shark Tank, I know people who have met him in person and said he was actually very nice.

If I become an entrepreneur I will look for venture capital; but, I’m not sure I have what if takes to brave the Shark Tank. I would, however, like to see Mark Cuban in person.

 

 

 

 

Dance Moms – Abby Lee Miller, Evil Genius

Dance Moms’ Abby Lee Miller is the ultimate evil genius; Simon Cowell and Kevin O’Leary have nothing on her.  When people appear on American Idol or Shark Tank they get blasted by O’Leary and Cowell and slink off the stage with their tails between their legs.  BUT Abby actually gets PAID and paid a lot by the people she is constantly criticizing, yelling, and screaming at.

Abby’s Elite Competition Team (or whatever it’s called this week) travels all over the country from Pittsburgh to California, Florida, wherever.  These kids sign contracts with her and pay her a fortune to train with, not to mention the money they spend on travel, costumes, etc.

Yet, Abby has all the graciousness and tact of a lion killing a gazelle; she’s brutal with both the students AND their parents.  Who would pay someone thousands of dollars a year to be horribly mean and cruel to them and their children?  Apparently these Dance Moms.  They bitch and moan and watch Abby undermine each child but they keep coming back for more.  Is Abby Lee Miller the only dance teacher on Earth?  Is Bravo TV paying them that much? I highly doubt it.

Abby loves covert activity.  She makes secret phone calls, pulls auditions and solos, all in the name of spite, while pirouetting herself all the way to the bank.

If her kids make any money off their talent, Abby profits as she has locked up contracts with all of them.  She controls every aspect of their “careers.”

Melissa has home schooled her kids so Abby’s little darling, Maddie, can spend hours upon hours spinning on her toes.  Maddie has gotten some success and public notoriety, appeared in a music video, TV shows, and even performed at the Grammys.  I don’t know much about dance so I can’t comment on how good a dancer Maddie really is but she has a lot of personality and Abby on her side.  I think Abby might have yelled at Maddie, once.  Her little sister, Mackenzie is not so lucky.  Not only does she have to live in her sister’s shadow and be constantly compared to her, but she has to endure the wrath of Abby just about every day as do the others.

The Dance Moms bicker amongst themselves just like the Real Housewives of (insert name of city here). They pit themselves against one another like lionesses protecting their cubs, each one trying to win Abby over. Yet, I think they claim to stick together.  Frenemies?

Some will stop at nothing to get on Abby’s good side. Does she have a good side? Jill has bought her gifts, finally shut her mouth, and it paid off has her daughter, Kendall, is now one of Abby’s faves and recently shot one of the most dreadful music videos ever.

The once classy, highly educated successful career woman, Holly has now let Abby send her into tears over Nia’s “career.”  All Holly tried to do was get her daughter further along and all it did was piss Abby off. Not a good idea; but, Holly keeps writing the checks.

Abby’s girls win a lot but is it because of their talent, her teaching, or their Bravo TV exposure?  If they don’t win, the fangs and claws come out, big time.

Abby is also a little nuts.  When her dog died she had it stuffed. I find this really creepy and no one loves their dogs more than I.  At least she buried the stuffed dog with her mom when her mom died.  That’s kinda creepy too.

I wondered if Abby’s antics were just for the camera; but a friend of mine whose daughter has danced against Abby’s girls, says it’s all real.

I would love to get paid to yell and scream at people all day long and have them write me big checks.

I think I’ll be a professional dominatrix specializing in humiliation.  Some guys really dig that.