Shark Tank – Mr. Wonderful and the Gang

Shark Tank has become one of my favorite shows where people with ideas for businesses, some brilliant, some idiotic, appear in front of five uber rich people hoping to get an investment.  They are what Daymond John calls YOLO moments: You only live once.

Kevin O’Leary is to Shark Tank as Simon Cowell was to American Idol, but funnier.  His nickname is “Mr. Wonderful.”  (I think Barbara gave him that moniker.) Someone has to chronicle some of Kevin’s most notable quotes and it might as well be me.

• Don’t cry for money; it never cries for you.
• What’s the only thing that matters? MONEY!
• You are part genius, part nut bar factor six.
• This is poo poo on a stick.
• This is crap. Take it behind the barn and shoot it.
• This is a nothing burger!
• Stop the madness!
• That’s why they call me Mr. Wonderful.
• I forbid you to keep doing this.
• Don’t disrespect the money
• Why don’t we hold hands and sing kumbaya
• You’ll be crushed like the cockroach you are
• I’m never wrong
• I will squeeze you like a teenage pimple

I’m sure there are more but those are the ones that come to mind at the moment. Please leave comments if you can think of ones I’ve missed.

O’Leary is a total snob always telling obscure stories from mythology or quoting people no one has heard of. He also loves to talk about wine.  He claims to belong to a  secret society where people gather in France and drink zillion dollar bottles of wine.

I think I’ve only ever seen him wear black. Maybe that’s why his fellow Sharks sometimes refer to him as “the undertaker.”

I saw an interview with him where he said he will pay for his kids up to any educational level they want and then won’t give them a penny. Nice dad.

Laurie Greiner, the “Queen of QVC” has made hundreds of millions hawking her 120 patents worth of stuff on QVC and now has made a name for herself in big box stores like Walmart and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. She’s a savvy business woman but it drives me insane that she only wears her hair on one side of her head.  I’m also really sick of the peek-a-boo black dress and the God awful turquoise one. I’m guessing they shoot many episodes at once because the Sharks are usually wearing the same clothes.

Robert Herjavec is the “pretty shark.”  He doesn’t seem to get a lot of deals. He makes offers which are usually ignored by the people looking for an investment and undermined by his cast mates. He once stared someone down and said “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” I love that.  He’s also parlayed his Shark Tank Fame into a stint on Dancing with the Stars and an apparent romance with his Australian dance partner.  He seems to be the most conservative Shark, usually seen in a gray suit.

Billionaire Mark Cuban is the smug shark.  (Btw, he also appeared on Dancing with the Stars with the same Aussie partner that Herjavec has.)  He loves to sit back and watch the others duke it out and say he’s “just listening.” He’ll go for the jugular when it suits him to undermine the other Sharks.  Because he owns the Dallas Mavericks NBA team, he loves to use basketball analogies and give people a “24 second shot clock” to respond to his offers.  He can be nasty at times to both his fellow Sharks and the entrepreneurs.  He’s really good at cutting Robert out of deals. When Mark does close a deal, those people seem to do quite well. His net worth is far higher than any of the other sharks at 2.5 billion, yes that’s billion.  I have to admit that sometimes I think Mark Cuban is really hot.  Then there are times when he looks like Lurch from the Adams Family.  He also always looks like he just rolled out of bed. Ok, Erica, get your mind out of the gutter.

Barbara Corcoran rotates places with Laurie. Barbara is a “fiery real estate mogul” in New York City.  She seems quite old but talks about having a 5 year old that she takes to Gymboree. I’m quite sure she’s in her 60s.  While she made her fortune in real estate, Barbara’s entrepreneurs have done exceedingly well and she celebrates their success by taking them to her summer home on Fire Island.  If I recall she also only wears black.

Daymond John, a “fashion and branding expert” who created Fubu is an interesting guy, and by far the best dressed Shark. He looks impeccable at all times. I love the purple shirts and ties, suspenders and giant diamond earrings; but, he can be quite nasty.  Yes he’s made money; but let’s get real. He was selling hats and T-shirts and got lucky because a friend from the hood who was an up and coming rap artist agreed to wear some Fubu stuff and of course if you can get a celeb to wear your stuff, it takes off. I’m not quite sure this qualifies you as a marketing and branding expert, but again, he has made a ton of money.  His favorite thing is to pull his deals off the table, then bring them back asking for more equity.  While he doesn’t seem all that likeable on Shark Tank, I know people who have met him in person and said he was actually very nice.

If I become an entrepreneur I will look for venture capital; but, I’m not sure I have what if takes to brave the Shark Tank. I would, however, like to see Mark Cuban in person.