The Internet has become the new bar scene. When I was young we went to bars and clubs to meet guys. Today you stay in your pajamas and reach for your modem and mouse. A woman alone in a bar says “I’m a hooker looking for a john.”
There are plenty of dating sites and you see commercials for them all the time on TV. There are also a bunch of “naughty” dating sites that you won’t ever see on TV. There’s a site for every fetish you can imagine, and ones that you can’t imagine.
But there are some things all dating sites have in common. To quote Gregory House from TV’s House, “everybody lies.” I have decoded online dating to make it easier for you to weed out the trash, and trust me, most of it is trash.
The first rule of thumb is women lie about their weight and men lie about their height. If he says he’s 6’ tall, you can count on his being 5’7”. My favorite was the guy who said he was 5’9” but looks 6’. Address: Delusional Island.
If he tells you he prefers a simple life what he really means is he’s dirt poor and you’ll be splitting the checks, if not picking up the whole thing. If he tells you he’ll be wearing a baseball hat so you can recognize him, the translation is he has no hair. If he tells you most women tell him he’s good looking you can bet that he’s a troll. When he finally sends you a picture you’ll run for cover. Trust me; always get a photo before committing to meeting him!
If he tells you he’s submissive, he’s either a sissy boy that literally wants to wear your panties or he’s really dominant and there’s nothing submissive about him at all. These by the way, are the most difficult of all men, especially if he happens to be a Libra.
There are certain games men play that I don’t understand. They email you, spend countless hours chatting you up on the phone and then don’t show up or call when you finally set a time and place to meet. You never hear from him again. Poof – gone. It’s like the mother ship came and beamed him back to his planet. I suspect these guys are married and looking to validate themselves by proving they can still get other women.
When you look at his “profile” and there are several questions he responds to with “prefer not to answer,” be suspicious. He’s hiding something and that something is obviously not good – especially when that something is the category of marital status. If he says he’s separated that usually indicates he’s separated in his mind and doesn’t have a problem screwing around while his wife is home taking care of the four kids he claims not to have.
The kinky websites are the best if you’re into meeting freaks. This is pure entertainment. There was one guy who said he just wanted to be a “pet.” I kept asking him what he meant by that and he kept repeating that he wanted to be a “pet.” I asked if he would fetch me water and he got offended. I asked if I had to clean up after him as I already have two dogs, two cats and a horse. He told me he just wanted to sit around and be admired. Freak.
There are men that want to wear rubber. This is actually hot, in many ways. First, if he’s handsome and has a good body he will look spectacular; he’ll also be sweating like a pig. Some men like to be tied up and beaten. I’m a fan of this. Who wouldn’t want to take a paddle or whip to the backside of some jerk? I say bring it on.
The baby fetish really creeps me out. I don’t want a grown man in diapers. I don’t even want a baby in diapers. That’s why I never had kids. There are many other fetishes out there but they are not for the faint of heart. It is however, quite amusing.
When it comes to finding Mr. Right the Internet is probably not your best option. If you want to find Mr. Right Now, you might have a shot. You’d probably have better luck getting dolled up and hanging out at Home Depot.