Category: My Crazy Life

My new braces continue to torture and torment me.

You’ve all read by now (or at least you should have) my experience with the palate expander and getting my lower braces on.

I went back to the orthodontist yesterday because the wire came out of the end bracket and one of the screws got stuck on the palate expander when I tried to widen it again.  This torture device continued to rip the crap out of my mouth and tongue and cause excruciating pain to my molars from the evil hooks on the side.  The only benefit was the weight loss from not being able to eat.

My appointment was actually a week earlier than it was supposed to be and when I arrived the doctor was amazed at how much my jaw and teeth had moved.  He took the expander out and said “throw this thing away!”  What? The last time I was there he said I had another 8- 10 weeks to go. I was beyond excited.  He actually said I was “over expanded;” but, that was not a bad thing.

When he took the wire out to replace it I begged him to let me floss my teeth. OMG I was in floss heaven.  I am a flossing fanatic and flossing with braces is next to impossible.  You have to take a piece of floss with a plastic end and thread it through each tooth separately and try to floss and good luck removing the floss because it’s not only shredded to bits but it’s stuck on the brackets. Be sure to have a washcloth handy cause you’ll be drooling like a toddler. So it was pure nirvana being able to floss now that the wire was off. I was beyond happy. Who knew flossing my teeth could bring such joy?

I had bought a Water Pik to aid in this flossing, which resulted in swollen and bleeding gums. Apparently it’s not the panacea it’s supposed to be.  According to the hygienist it forces the plaque under the gum line resulting in swelling, bleeding, and a multitude of other problems. Ok, another $40 down the drain.

He then asked if I was ready for my upper braces. HUH? Um, I guess so.  So as the hygienist was applying the glue and brackets the Dr. walked by and laughed and said “I can’t wait to see you with a mouth full of metal.”  I told him he sounded just like my husband.  He asked if that was a good thing and I said it depends on the day.  He asked how long I’d been married and I told him 20 years.  He said “well I guess then that’s a good thing.” Again my response was “it depends on the day.”

I left the office, giving him another $1500.  In about an hour my teeth were throbbing.  Three Motrin later, I had no relief.  I thought I was going to die.  I was starving and eating was NOT an option.

Today I had an all day meeting right by the dentist’s office so I spent last night in a hotel. This hotel was beyond scary. While looking for the lobby I saw a half naked guy who appeared drunk or on drugs staggering about.  The first room had no lock on the door and the TV didn’t work.  They switched my room to one where the light didn’t work but the lock did and so did the TV. At that point I was fine with it. Being completely tortured by my teeth I tried to distract myself with the Real Housewives of New York while praying for a quick and painless death.

This morning I stopped on the way to the meeting for coffee and a muffin. Who knew a muffin could be hard to eat?  For lunch I ordered a salad – forget about it.  I came home to some cooked salmon – flaky and soft and each bite sent my head spinning like a dreidel.

It’s back to yogurt and pudding and maybe I’ll start drinking. The upside? I should have a rocking bikini body by mid-July!  Hopefully I’ll also have perfect teeth before the end of the year.

The dentist is begging for reviews on Yelp.  I will reserve mine till the end result.

Let him sweat for a while.

Today I got my new braces – the latest in torture and weight loss.  It wasn’t bad enough that I still have the palate expander (see previous post on that) which resulted in an 8 pound weight loss in three weeks, but now the braces on my lower teeth will mean nothing more than pudding or yogurt for God knows how long.

The procedure was easy – some brackets with rubber bands, a wire, a couple snips, a couple of adjustments – simple.  I was told my mouth would get callouses where the braces rub against my lips. Swell.  Oh and I was told I’d be experiencing pain in the next couple of hours.  They sent me home with a giant envelope of instructions, wax, floss threaders (not happening unless I have a whole weekend to devote to it), tiny brushes for getting in between and around the brackets, and a long list of what not to eat: basically everything.

I drove home from the orthodontist feeling like I had a mouth full of stuff, well, because I do!  I stopped at a convenience store for a soft chocolate chip cookie, broke off a small piece and attempted to eat it. Nope, not happening.

I came home to my wonderful husband making a big bowl of tuna salad as he thought it would be nice and soft for me to eat.  I was exhausted and opted for a nap.

By the time I woke up and fed my dogs it was past 6pm and I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours.  I tried a few spoonfuls of the tuna and that was good. Then the biggest mistake ever! I took out a small roll, cut it in half and attempted to make a very small sandwich.  The first bite sent me into Defcon 5 pain with my head nearly exploding.  Ok, moving on. He also bought some very soft cookies so I tried one of those. I was able to eat that with no problem; but, it got completely squished and entangled in the braces.  I tried my sonic toothbrush, water pik, rinsing my mouth, and the little tiny brushes they sent me home with to slide up under the wires.  I got most of it out but there’s still a piece in the front that I think will be there until the braces come off.  Thankfully that piece is white.  From now on I will have to carry a toothbrush, toothpaste, and the tiny brushes wherever I go. Luckily, I have a large purse.

By the way, the braces themselves are gold with a silver wire.

It’s one thing to have braces when you’re a kid because people expect kids to have braces.  It’s an entirely different animal when you’re a middle aged woman with a job.  It’s embarrassing, impossible to speak or eat, and just a general nightmare.  Can invoke the Family Leave Act for braces?

The only upside to this is the orthodontist said I’d probably be done in six months, instead of the 12-14 months he originally thought.  I told him if I’m done in half the time, shouldn’t the bill be lowered?  He didn’t appreciate that comment at all.  While he’s good at his job, warm and fuzzy he is not.

At checkout, where I had to fork over another $1500 (he’s gotten $2000 so far) and told they don’t take American Express, I again asked about the price.  My theory is six months of fewer visits, less work for him, and in my world fewer hours means less pay.  The woman in charge of the money is his wife (imagine that!) and she went to talk to him and then said if I indeed finish that early, they would adjust the price.

I have to go back in two weeks and in the meantime keep widening the palate expander. Eventually the upper braces will go on. It’s my hope that when the palate expander comes out and the upper braces go on, things will get better.

With my full gold grill I’m going to have to embrace my rapper skills and I’m a pasty white girl.

Welcome to having a palate expander, a torture device undoubtedly invented by the Scots.  I’m sure this was used in Scottish prisons in the middle ages and I swear saw it in a museum in Edinburgh.

The purpose of this device is to expand your upper jaw, thereby avoiding jaw surgery.  When combined with braces, this is supposed to produce a fabulous smile, correct bite, and fix a multitude of problems … that is IF you can stand having it in your mouth!

The palate expander looks like a metal spider but far more Machiavellian in scope.  It has two little keyholes in the middle and every week you turn the screws to make it wider, supposedly widening your upper jaw.  Orthodontists call it an “appliance,” I call it sheer torture.  The only upside is my inability to eat and the resultant weight loss.

The first thing that happens is the orthodontist fits the palate expander in your mouth and makes sure the little wire arms on the sides firmly grip the molars. Um, ouch.  It doesn’t fit flush to the roof of your mouth so now you have this “thing” in your mouth making it virtually impossible to speak.  The doctor says  in the beginning your mouth thinks it’s food so to expect more saliva.  Now I am drooling, talking like I have a severe speech impediment or am mentally challenged.  This does not bode well for speaking to clients or anyone else at work who keep looking at me very strangely.

The slit, which gets wider as you turn the screws shreds the crap out of your tongue. The remedy for this is strips of orthodontic wax. The theory is you press the wax over the gaps and screws and it makes it more comfortable … not.  Also, as the day goes on the wax mysteriously disappears which leads me to believe I have ingested enough wax to have formed a candle in my stomach.  I went through half a box of wax in one day and called for more.  I now have a box of wax in all locations: desk, purse, glove compartment, nightstand, bathroom sink, and live in fear that I might be caught somewhere without it. You thought Linus was attached to his blanket?  I clutch my wax like it’s the Holy Grail.

Eating with a palate expander is darn near impossible because honestly it’s just not worth it.  It hurts to eat a potato chip.  Pudding is good but since it doesn’t sit flush to the roof of your mouth EVERYTHING goes up underneath it and I have a nasty burn mark the entire outline of it from trying to eat a cheesesteak with a fork.  Also what doesn’t get stuck inside it gets stuck on the metal hooks.  After eating you’re supposed to brush it; but seriously, who runs around with a toothbrush?  So I rinse it off then try to rinse my teeth which are caked with food.

The first day it took me an hour to eat 1/2 a slice of pizza when I decided it just couldn’t be done. I’d rather be hungry.  That’s my new philosophy.  Hunger = less pain.

Today I forgot to bring food to work and someone gifted me a burger and fries.  I nibbled on the fries – not too terrible. Then I took a bite of the burger.  The bread squished up and through the “thing” and my molars screamed with pain when I tried to chew.  I never knew teeth could throb.

The happiest part of my day is the 15 minutes I get to soak it in denture cleaner, and yes, buying denture cleaner was a little embarrassing.

I get to turn the screws two more times before lower braces go on.  I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate this for a year because the discomfort is getting worse, not better.  “You’ll get used to it,” they keep saying.  I think they are lying. No, I KNOW they are lying.  The best part is I’m paying $7800 to be tortured.  Couldn’t I just take dance lessons with Abby Lee Miller instead?

So I’ve been trying different spiritual methods for manifesting money and this quest has now led me to Vedic astrology.  If you’ve read my former post called My Quest For Sanity, you already know that I’ve chanted, burned bay leaves, used GG codes, attempted conscious creation, and done Theta healing with the amazing Adrien Blackwell (askblackwell@gmail.com).

I’ve had some success and Adrien has moved mountains for me and I listen to all her instructions – even when she had me do a parasite cleanse.  I don’t think I would poop parasites for anyone else but for her, yes.

So Adrien came to me and told me about this guy in India who is now writing mantras for her and read her astral chart using Vedic astrology which is very different from the traditional USA astrology.  When Adrien Blackwell tells me to do something, I DO IT.

So I sent an email to a guy in India with all my birth information.  His rapid reply was devastating!  Apparently Venus is not in a favorable position in my chart and neither is Mercury which is apparently creating very negative forces to my making money.  There is also a big two year period of a “chance” of some money coming in.  AND as if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s some kind of dragon something or other in my chart that means all the chanting and writing mantras I do for myself won’t do squat for me.  So much for the two malas I bought and the thousands of mantras I wrote in every notebook I could find!

According to Vasaas, I have to boost the Sun and Jupiter in order to increase my money.  There are Sun mantras and Jupiter mantras; but, since the dragon thingy means I can’t do it myself I have to have someone else do it on my behalf.  I asked around on Facebook and people said they’d do it; but, no one actually did. Vasaas to the rescue!  Every day he is writing in Sanskrit 108 of one Sun mantra and 108 of a Jupiter mantra.  He actually sends me photos of the pages he writes every day.  Hey, I’ll take any help I can get.

Then he tells me I must put a photo of a sunrise (with no water in the photo) on the Southern wall of my home and office.  Immediately I went to Google Images and found a sunrise over a mountain with a meadow below. Printed out two copies and hung them. Check.

He told me to check the south east portion of my house and move any heavy furniture to a different location.  This isn’t happening. I’m not moving furniture around because everything I own is solid and heavy but apparently if I have these heavy pieces in that location I am blocking the flow of money.

Next, he said to avoid the color green at all costs.  Green and blue are my favorite colors and green is the color of money! Well apparently green is also the color of Mercury (always thought it was red) and will negatively impact my finances.  Much to my horror the necklace and earrings I was wearing were ……green.

As I looked around I noticed everything was green!  My notebook, the bin with papers on my desk, my dust cloths, my kitchen towels, my pack of cigarettes, green, green, green, EVERYWHERE!!!!!  At least the pen I was using had an orange barrel because that’s the color of the company I work for.

He told me to wear and incorporate yellow and orange into my life to boost the power of the sun.  Yellow looks terrible on me unless it’s really pale and orange, well let’s just say yuck.  So I tear through my closet and find two orange shirts and a couple of pale yellow T shirts.  I wore the orange polo shirt to work and every night I now come home and put on a pale yellow T-shirt.  Then last night I  looked down in horror to find I have been changing into the yellow T-shirt with GREEN shorts!

Another thing he said was to always wear rubies – either a pendant or a ring.  It happens to be my birthstone but has something to do with the sun.  I don’t much care for rubies but if it will make me money I’ll glue them to my forehead and run naked down the Garden State Parkway.

Next stop Ebay – found a nice Ruby ring and bid on it and lost.  Found a pendant, won it only to realize it was really a Ruby Topaz!  Now in full blown panic mode I started thinking rubies are just red sapphires and I have plenty of pink sapphire so wouldn’t that do? I asked Vasaas but never got an answer.  Adrien said if the guy said rubies I’d better wear rubies!

I remembered about 23 years ago my mother gave me two ruby and diamond rings.  One is magnificent but you would only wear it if you were attending the Oscars. The other I hated and never wore.  I came home, took it out, decided it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and put it on.  It’s a little fancy for my yellow T-shirt and green shorts but I don’t care. It’s still rubies.  I’m still hunting on Ebay for something a little less dramatic.

So as Vasaas is trying to improve my financial well being, I get an email saying my freelance gig that pays me $300/mo. (for very little effort) is ending.  I had a contract for the rest of the year and had only worked two months. I needed this money to pay for the $7800 worth of orthodontia work I’m having done.  So I send the guy in India an email saying I hope this is happening because the universe has something much bigger in store for me.  He responds saying it does, to trust him, and if nothing else he will find me a job.

The next thing I  know I’m getting dozens of Craig’s list job postings all forwarded from Vasaas.  Most were ridiculous but some I answered.  But $15/hr. is not the $60/hr. I was making.

The only reason I haven’t totally freaked out and was able to sleep last night was because Adrien has helped me so much and I can trust the universe to make it all work out.

Oh and by the way, on the way back from the orthodontist my car broke down and hour and a half from home, was stranded for hours and ended up with a bill of $340. Vasaas better step up the writing, stat!

Note to self: must find rubies and buy some orange and yellow clothes immediately!

I’ve been longing for a vacation as it’s been 8 years since my husband and I had  a proper vacation.  The last one was a week in Cancun. Unfortunately it was shortly after the hurricane and it was, well let’s just say, not what we expected. The “resort” was damaged.  There were half a dozen beach chairs and people would literally go to the beach at 5 am to reserve their chairs by placing things on them.  Even if they never used the chairs they seemed to guard them like a German Shepherd at a junk yard and things got vicious if you went near one. One couple had a room whose room faced the lobby but they didn’t have curtains.  When they asked for some they were told “not today.”  This became the catch phrase and the running joke because any time anyone asked for something, the response was “not today.”

We didn’t have any towels when we checked in and did manage to get some.  Even though we hung them up after use, they were taken by the housekeeping staff the next day and not replaced.  Again we asked for towels and eventually got them.  From that point on we had to hide them to prevent them from being taken. One day we were told the electricity would be shut off for most of the day.  We had electric locks on the room doors so the choice was to lock yourself inside or be locked out until the electricity was restored.  Food was limited due to the lack of electricity but fortunately downtown was a relatively short walk. Despite the short comings of the “resort” we made some good friends and had T-shirts made up that said “Not Today.”

Fast forward to 2015 and my husband I and I are aching to go somewhere, especially after the horrible winter.  He works awful hours, up at 4 am and is dead dog tired after being out in the elements all day carrying boxes and delivering them. He gets no vacation time, sick pay, or even funeral pay. When his mother died it cost him $600 in lost pay.  So a vacation means cost of the vacation, a lost week of pay for him, and a fortune to have someone take care of the dogs because his mom, who always took care of them, passed away a year ago.

My job gives me vacation pay. I cannot accumulate more than 80 hours at a time so I have to “use it or loose it.” I decided to take the week of memorial day off since Memorial Day was a paid day off for me.

Then plans went awry. Be careful what you wish for.

I was getting really bored with my job and not wanting to be there.  I had years of being rich enough to not have to work and spend my days riding horses and cooking gourmet meals.  This is the life I’m trying to manifest again. Two days ago I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, tried to get out of bed, only to howl in pain.  My lower back and hip were in agony and I could barely move my left leg.  In the morning it took 20 minutes to get my shoes on but I went to work. My boss, usually nice, had just quit smoking again and sent me home saying I could not fulfill the duties of my job.  I argued I could do desk work and that wasn’t good enough.

My wonderful chiropractor was closed that day but I called his cell and he was good enough to come in to see me.  He concluded that I have inflamed two vertebrae in my back and needed rest, ice, ice, more ice, and anti inflammatory meds. I stayed in bed on ice, took the meds, took a sleeping pill and woke up in pain.  While I was better than the previous day, I was still having trouble walking and knew my boss would just send me home again.  Bam – two vacation days down the tubes.  Know I have to figure out if I can take Memorial Day week off. I get more vacation hours in June.

So I did get a whole week off. I got a “vacation;” but it was not the vacation I wanted or had planned.

Lesson learned: Be careful what you wish for because it doesn’t always happen the way you want, but it does happen!

The stress is going to kill me and while Adrien (askblackwell@gmail.com) has been working on clearing my addition to chaos yet it seems to be waiting for me around every corner like a sniper waiting for Osama bin Laden.

It’s a beautiful spring day and I am off and thought “how wonderful!” How wrong I was.

It started with last night’s 8pm call from my accountant informing us we owe $20,000 in taxes. What the fuck? How? Why? Where am I getting that kind of money?  Not to worry. The IRS has a payment plan. We get to send them money every month for SEVEN years at 6% interest and there is a $255 charge to set up the payment plan. The best part is I have to have a check in the mail TODAY.  I sent my accountant my taxes two months ago and he waited till the eleventh hour to tell us this.  Is it because he had to wait a whole year to get paid from doing last year’s taxes? Ok off to the post office to wait in line with the dozens of others who waited till the last minute.  Mission accomplished.

Since it was a beautiful day I decided to take the dogs to the dog park.  This was one of the worst decisions of all time.  The collie refused to get in the car and while trying to shove him in the sheltie was trying to drag me into the next county.

Between pushing and shoving him kicking and screaming (both of us) I got him into the car. The sheltie jumped in and immediately went to the driver’s side.  I had to squeeze in before he could escape and he has to sit on my lap with his paws up on the window, making it impossible to turn.

I rolled down the windows on the left side of the car. Shortly thereafter I looked over my shoulder to find the collie had his head, paws, and half his body over the side of the car!  I was on a busy road, pulled over (while everyone honked and screamed at me) and tried to get out without the sheltie running out into the road.  I shoved that collie into the car, squeezed back in so the sheltie wouldn’t escape and promptly rolled up the windows.

I arrived at the dog park, which the dogs usually love and they had absolutely no interest whatsoever. Another dog appeared and mine ran to the metal gate to greet it. However, there was a slight gap between the gate and the post and the sheltie squizzled right through.  Apparently collies fold up really well because he followed suit and now I was chasing them around an open field.  Note, when dogs get off leash they also loose their hearing.  The same applies to husbands.

I finally captured them, standing on both leashes and got them close to the car.  The collie planted himself on the ground like a protester at a sit in about to be arrested and wouldn’t budge.  The sheltie was pulling and trying to drag me into the next century.  I finally shoved them both in the back seat, slammed the door, got in, made sure all windows were up and drove home.

So I come home for some peace and quiet and since it’s such a nice day the kids decide to play outside, sending my dogs into a barking frenzy. Why is it that kids can’t play without screaming their heads off?  I now have a blazing migraine and am ready to shoot both the kids and myself.

But the day is not over yet.

My garage door is broken and my Homeowners Association has been gunning for me for the past 20 years. They have harassed me, threatened me, and even sued me.  My next door neighbors replaced their garage door which only made my broken one more obvious. I knew my days were numbered.

The first contractor showed up speaking garage door speak.  Apparently buying a garage door is not simple.  It’s akin to asking a dog to do geometry.  Fortunately my husband was in the neighborhood, stopped by, and took over.  Husband also apparently speaks garage and the two hit it off.

Second garage door guy shows up but now I speak a little garage.  My husband pulls up at the same time. Mr. Garage Door is pulling out samples, talking all kinds of stuff and at this point I could not care less. I just want a fucking door.

By now I am so stressed out and my husband asks me what I made for dinner? Seriously? I looked at him with a death stare that results in his saying “pizza it is!”  He also asked if the dogs had been fed.  Really? I’ve been outside for the past two hours dealing with garage door guy number two.

The last time I was at the Dr. he said he had just written an article on how stress will kill you. He then looked at me and said “you are going to die.”

The migraine is getting worse.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

Social media is something I’m still getting used to and have yet to really embrace.  Every time I think I know what’s out there someone mentions a new platform that I’ve never heard of. Who has the time to keep up with all this? I’m guessing it’s the pre -teens I see in the nail salon tapping away on their IPhone 6’s.  (I will do an entire piece on today’s generation of entitled brats getting their nails done at age 4 and getting their hair highlighted at 12.)  By the way, I have an IPhone 5s and the only reason I have it is because I shattered the screen on my IPhone 4.  I have since bought a life proof case so I imagine I will have the 5s till the day I die even though the 32GB are completely used up.  My husband has the original Galaxy and only uses it for talk and text. He refuses to install apps or use any of the features except occasionally the camera.  When I was in Europe for two weeks he refused to install anything that would enable us to communicate besides email.  Honestly I think he just wanted some peace and quiet for a while.  He was actually disappointed that when he needed a new phone that he couldn’t get the old style flip phone.

I do love my phone. I talk to Siri all the time.  I use all the functions I can. I tell her to set my alarm.  I ask her the weather. My husband says “don’t you feel stupid talking to your phone?”  Absolutely not.  The one day I forgot my phone at home I spent the day at work feeling like my right arm was missing.  I have apps for everything including where the cheapest gas can be bought and how far away that station is from my current location.

Facebook I understand – it’s basically a way to make your life look perfect and make others feel badly at the reality of their life while looking at the perfection of yours.  Of course, everybody lies and only puts out the Abraham Hicks version of “reality.”  The only good thing I’ve found about Facebook is that it’s enabled me to connect with long lost friends and play silly games that keep me from doing necessary things like laundry, cleaning the house, and feeding the dogs.  I admit I have a certain distain for a certain crop stealing rabbit in Farm Heroes Saga. Every time I see that smug little bugger I want to slap the shit out of my computer screen.  I’ve deactivated my FB account many times but keep going back.  There’s the addiction to chaos again.  Adrien Blackwell are you listening?

Twitter I just don’t understand at all.  I know it is useful for business dealings and was originally started as a way for celebrities to keep in touch with their fans.  I am proud to say I have never tweeted and have no clue what re-tweeting is.  I just don’t get Twitter at all.

Then there’s Instagram.  From what I can gather this is Twitter for people who can’t read. I have no idea what it’s used for, how to use it, and I couldn’t care less. Yet I just discovered I am on there and have 111 followers! I have no idea how this happened and still have no idea how to use it.

I know there are more but I really don’t want to know.  This is  like my parents who didn’t want answering machines, a Betamax, a computer, or a cell phone.  My father died at age 92 without having any of the above.  My 89 year old mother has a flip cell phone only used when she’s in the hospital and an IPad safely tucked away in a closet.  I tried to show her how to face time with me but it fell on deaf ears and truth be told I’m kind of relieved.

Then there’s my biggest pet peeve – hashtags.  I find them completely obnoxious but if you’re in your twenties nothing can be said without a million hashtags.  Anyone who uses hashtags for ANY reason has to watch the Jimmy Fallon/Justin Timberlake video on how stupid you sound using hashtags.  It’s absolutely hysterical and if you continue to use hashtags after you’ve watched it, well, you’re an idiot.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57dzaMaouXA

I suppose eventually I will have to embrace more social media outlets but I’m very adept at putting off things I need to do. If you need evidence of this come to my house and bring some dust rags.