My Quest for Sanity?

aLife was great and I was living large driving a Ferrari, riding my horses, wintering in Florida, and traveling the world. Then circa 2008 the world came crashing down and I lost it all.   Fast forward to depression, anxiety, fear, constant worry, migraines, prescription meds, and a daily meltdown.

I went from happy go lucky to working part time managing an apartment complex and listening to my mother and husband every day saying “with all your degrees, you can’t find a job?”  Therein lies the problem. No one wants to hire a middle aged woman with a Masters Degree because they  actually have to pay me what I am worth.  They are more interested in 20 somethings in high heels and tight skirts who don’t know shit but will work for peanuts.  By the way, mom, have you seen the unemployment rate?

After a couple of years curled up like a cocktail shrimp wanting to die before the bank took my house, I decided there had to be a better way.  I started reading self help books on positive thinking blah blah blah.  I then turned to more spiritual things like Louise Hay and daily affirmations.  I remember standing in the mirror reciting them, feeling like a complete ass.  “I deserve to win the lottery jackpot.”  “I love you Erica.”

I journaled. I made vision boards, I did everything I was “supposed to do,” but nothing was working.  I listened to hours of Abraham Hicks and others and concluded they were getting rich by selling their shtick; they weren’t making other people rich.

I was still miserable and in turn making everyone else around me run for cover which only played into my abandonment issues and made me even more miserable. No one loves me – no one will even talk to me.  Hell, I didn’t even want to be around me.  I wanted to die. Even my brother stopped calling and when I asked him about it he said I was “too depressing to talk to.”

Somehow, I have no idea how, I was introduced to a Facebook (FB from now on) group called I AM IMAGINATION which is based on the teachings of Neville.   Neville died years ago but his recordings and writings are still around.  The guy totally gives me the creeps but the basic premise is if you imagine something you can create it – anything.  The guy who started the group is in Uganda and we became good friends. He would spend HOURS Skyping with me, coaching me, instructing me and I had a few small victories but I am never satisfied. With me it’s go big or go home.  We had gotten so close he had revealed his name, his face, and his phone number.  Then one day he was GONE – poof like he was beamed back to his planet.  Abandoned again, I went off the deep end searching for answers.

I found a chanting group on FB, bought a mala and a Tibetan singing bowl, and started chanting words I could barely pronounce.  At this point my husband, who was certain I had lost my mind, was ready to stage an intervention or have me committed.  “Don’t mock what you don’t understand,” I would say.   So I chanted every day.  Then I started putting bay leaves in my wallet, then started writing numbers on the bay leaves and burning them. I even started using GG codes. I have no idea how it’s supposed to work but I started writing certain sets of numbers on everything.  I started writing “love” on the bottom of glasses  and drinking from them.  When that didn’t produce results, I tried switch words – writing  and chanting them.  Really, I did all this and more. I did everything except howl at the moon.  None of it made any sense or any difference but I met some interesting people who all seemed to be doing the same seemingly crazy things.

I kept reading that appreciation and gratitude are key and find every little thing in your life to appreciate.  When I said “I love you” to my hair dryer I began to think my husband might be right.

THEN the miracle happened.  Her name is Adrien Blackwell and she is a Theta Healer.  askblackwell@gmail.com  Don’t ask me what theta healing is, just google it.  This woman is a gift from the Universe and changed my life.  She explained to me that the reason I could not manifest what I wanted is because deep in the core of my DNA I was blocked and she could clear those blocks over the phone.  After a 15 minute free session I felt at peace and calm for the first time since 2008.  Upon waking the next morning I felt happy.  I hadn’t felt happy since the Clinton years.  The very next day things started happening. I was contacted about a freelance job, a friend who abandoned me two and a half years ago called out of the blue, another person apologized for being a dick (his exact words), and more.  Finally something that works!  When you contact, her tell her I sent you because for every referral I get a free travel mug.

I did backslide into anxiety, worry, fear, etc. but with Adrien’s help things keep getting better and I am learning how to handle my emotions as they come instead of letting them overcome me. Ok, confession: one guy pissed me off so badly I couldn’t let it go and stewed in it for several days, knowing full well he didn’t give a shit.  That story will be told in another post.

I continue to work with Adrien and have cleared so many things about my relationships with my parents, childhood, etc. that have kept all those other things from working.

They say follow your passion and the money will follow.  My passions are writing and riding horses. So here you go Adrien – I’m writing.

Everyone feel free to send checks or PayPal.  🙂    I need a horse.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com