Erica on the Edge - Page 3 of 4 - Rants, Raves, Opinions, and More!

Bravo Shows Ending. What to do now?

So I’ve admitted to being addicted to reality TV, especially Bravo but now two of my favorite Bravo TV shows are ending their seasons and the rest have already ended, leading me to wonder what am I going to watch this summer?

First Bravo ended the Real Housewives of Atlanta and now we’re onto Kandi’s ski trip which is the most dysfunctional, ungrateful group of people on Earth. Kandi is kind enough to take these relatives and friends on an incredible holiday and all they do is bitch and complain. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to her mother and the aunts are even worse!

Shas of Sunset has only one episode left and then the reunion. Why does Bravo film so few episodes of these fun loving, wild, and whacky characters? I feel like Reza and Asa have become friends and now they are leaving me! Every Monday I look forward to spending an hour with the Persian Pop Priestess and Gay Gandhi. There go my rejection and abandonment issues again.

While I find Bravo’s Southern Charm to be useless it is literally a train wreck I can’t stop watching. The disappointing season finale was last night. I find these people really annoying, except for Cameron who is the only one who seems to have her shit together. I can’t figure out why she hangs out with the rest of them. Thomas Ravenel gives me the creeps and he’s a total moron. What 50-something convicted felon, knocks up a 21 year old to begin with, let alone leaves her in the lurch? Then he thinks it’s a great idea to run for the US Senate, as an independent no less. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Why not just set your money on fire? His baby mamma has had to move back in with her parents and it doesn’t appear that Thomas is planning on supporting either one of them, despite his pledge to her that he would always take care of both of them. Yes, he’s a pig and a creepy one at that. The fact that he dumped her on Facebook leaves me speechless. Asshat.

Even Survivor is over! Jeff Probst has the best job in the world. He most likely works about two hours a day during production and spends the rest of the time sipping cocktails at a five star resort right near camp, while raking in a small fortune. I’ve been told the contestants can actually smell the food from the resort. Now THAT’S really cruel. Probst also looks fantastic. He’s in his 50s and showed off his ripped physique during a couple of episodes of Two and a Half Men, another show that sadly ended this year. Even Bones is ending in another couple episodes and it is uncertain if the show will be renewed.

This basically leaves me with Million Dollar Listing, which I really like but I never remember when it’s on. Bravo is about to start the Real Housewives of Orange County so that’s a little relief. I have no use at all for the RHONY except for the Countess who appears to be the only one with her head on straight.

I’m aching for a new season of Project Runway and Tim Gunn, even though it’s not on Bravo.

Maybe this is the Universe’s way of telling me I need to start reading again.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

Palate Expander = Torture Device

Welcome to having a palate expander, a torture device undoubtedly invented by the Scots. I’m sure this was used in Scottish prisons in the middle ages and I swear saw it in a museum in Edinburgh.

The purpose of this device is to expand your upper jaw, thereby avoiding jaw surgery. When combined with braces, this is supposed to produce a fabulous smile, correct bite, and fix a multitude of problems … that is IF you can stand having it in your mouth!

The palate expander looks like a metal spider but far more Machiavellian in scope. It has two little keyholes in the middle and every week you turn the screws to make it wider, supposedly widening your upper jaw. Orthodontists call it an “appliance,” I call it sheer torture. The only upside is my inability to eat and the resultant weight loss.

The first thing that happens is the orthodontist fits the palate expander in your mouth and makes sure the little wire arms on the sides firmly grip the molars. Um, ouch. It doesn’t fit flush to the roof of your mouth so now you have this “thing” in your mouth making it virtually impossible to speak. The doctor says in the beginning your mouth thinks it’s food so to expect more saliva. Now I am drooling, talking like I have a severe speech impediment or am mentally challenged. This does not bode well for speaking to clients or anyone else at work who keep looking at me very strangely.

The slit, which gets wider as you turn the screws shreds the crap out of your tongue. The remedy for this is strips of orthodontic wax. The theory is you press the wax over the gaps and screws and it makes it more comfortable … not. Also, as the day goes on the wax mysteriously disappears which leads me to believe I have ingested enough wax to have formed a candle in my stomach. I went through half a box of wax in one day and called for more. I now have a box of wax in all locations: desk, purse, glove compartment, nightstand, bathroom sink, and live in fear that I might be caught somewhere without it. You thought Linus was attached to his blanket? I clutch my wax like it’s the Holy Grail.

Eating with a palate expander is darn near impossible because honestly it’s just not worth it. It hurts to eat a potato chip. Pudding is good but since it doesn’t sit flush to the roof of your mouth EVERYTHING goes up underneath it and I have a nasty burn mark the entire outline of it from trying to eat a cheesesteak with a fork. Also what doesn’t get stuck inside it gets stuck on the metal hooks. After eating you’re supposed to brush it; but seriously, who runs around with a toothbrush? So I rinse it off then try to rinse my teeth which are caked with food.

The first day it took me an hour to eat 1/2 a slice of pizza when I decided it just couldn’t be done. I’d rather be hungry. That’s my new philosophy. Hunger = less pain.

Today I forgot to bring food to work and someone gifted me a burger and fries. I nibbled on the fries – not too terrible. Then I took a bite of the burger. The bread squished up and through the “thing” and my molars screamed with pain when I tried to chew. I never knew teeth could throb.

The happiest part of my day is the 15 minutes I get to soak it in denture cleaner, and yes, buying denture cleaner was a little embarrassing.

I get to turn the screws two more times before lower braces go on. I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate this for a year because the discomfort is getting worse, not better. “You’ll get used to it,” they keep saying. I think they are lying. No, I KNOW they are lying. The best part is I’m paying $7800 to be tortured. Couldn’t I just take dance lessons with Abby Lee Miller instead?

Vedic Astrology – Quest for Abundance

So I’ve been trying different spiritual methods for manifesting money and this quest has now led me to Vedic astrology. If you’ve read my former post called My Quest For Sanity, you already know that I’ve chanted, burned bay leaves, used GG codes, attempted conscious creation, and done Theta healing with the amazing Adrien Blackwell (askblackwell@gmail.com).

I’ve had some success and Adrien has moved mountains for me and I listen to all her instructions – even when she had me do a parasite cleanse. I don’t think I would poop parasites for anyone else but for her, yes.

So Adrien came to me and told me about this guy in India who is now writing mantras for her and read her astral chart using Vedic astrology which is very different from the traditional USA astrology. When Adrien Blackwell tells me to do something, I DO IT.

So I sent an email to a guy in India with all my birth information. His rapid reply was devastating! Apparently Venus is not in a favorable position in my chart and neither is Mercury which is apparently creating very negative forces to my making money. There is also a big two year period of a “chance” of some money coming in. AND as if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s some kind of dragon something or other in my chart that means all the chanting and writing mantras I do for myself won’t do squat for me. So much for the two malas I bought and the thousands of mantras I wrote in every notebook I could find!

According to Vasaas, I have to boost the Sun and Jupiter in order to increase my money. There are Sun mantras and Jupiter mantras; but, since the dragon thingy means I can’t do it myself I have to have someone else do it on my behalf. I asked around on Facebook and people said they’d do it; but, no one actually did. Vasaas to the rescue! Every day he is writing in Sanskrit 108 of one Sun mantra and 108 of a Jupiter mantra. He actually sends me photos of the pages he writes every day. Hey, I’ll take any help I can get.

Then he tells me I must put a photo of a sunrise (with no water in the photo) on the Southern wall of my home and office. Immediately I went to Google Images and found a sunrise over a mountain with a meadow below. Printed out two copies and hung them. Check.

He told me to check the south east portion of my house and move any heavy furniture to a different location. This isn’t happening. I’m not moving furniture around because everything I own is solid and heavy but apparently if I have these heavy pieces in that location I am blocking the flow of money.

Next, he said to avoid the color green at all costs. Green and blue are my favorite colors and green is the color of money! Well apparently green is also the color of Mercury (always thought it was red) and will negatively impact my finances. Much to my horror the necklace and earrings I was wearing were ……green.

As I looked around I noticed everything was green! My notebook, the bin with papers on my desk, my dust cloths, my kitchen towels, my pack of cigarettes, green, green, green, EVERYWHERE!!!!! At least the pen I was using had an orange barrel because that’s the color of the company I work for.

He told me to wear and incorporate yellow and orange into my life to boost the power of the sun. Yellow looks terrible on me unless it’s really pale and orange, well let’s just say yuck. So I tear through my closet and find two orange shirts and a couple of pale yellow T shirts. I wore the orange polo shirt to work and every night I now come home and put on a pale yellow T-shirt. Then last night I looked down in horror to find I have been changing into the yellow T-shirt with GREEN shorts!

Another thing he said was to always wear rubies – either a pendant or a ring. It happens to be my birthstone but has something to do with the sun. I don’t much care for rubies but if it will make me money I’ll glue them to my forehead and run naked down the Garden State Parkway.

Next stop Ebay – found a nice Ruby ring and bid on it and lost. Found a pendant, won it only to realize it was really a Ruby Topaz! Now in full blown panic mode I started thinking rubies are just red sapphires and I have plenty of pink sapphire so wouldn’t that do? I asked Vasaas but never got an answer. Adrien said if the guy said rubies I’d better wear rubies!

I remembered about 23 years ago my mother gave me two ruby and diamond rings. One is magnificent but you would only wear it if you were attending the Oscars. The other I hated and never wore. I came home, took it out, decided it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and put it on. It’s a little fancy for my yellow T-shirt and green shorts but I don’t care. It’s still rubies. I’m still hunting on Ebay for something a little less dramatic.

So as Vasaas is trying to improve my financial well being, I get an email saying my freelance gig that pays me $300/mo. (for very little effort) is ending. I had a contract for the rest of the year and had only worked two months. I needed this money to pay for the $7800 worth of orthodontia work I’m having done. So I send the guy in India an email saying I hope this is happening because the universe has something much bigger in store for me. He responds saying it does, to trust him, and if nothing else he will find me a job.

The next thing I know I’m getting dozens of Craig’s list job postings all forwarded from Vasaas. Most were ridiculous but some I answered. But $15/hr. is not the $60/hr. I was making.

The only reason I haven’t totally freaked out and was able to sleep last night was because Adrien has helped me so much and I can trust the universe to make it all work out.

Oh and by the way, on the way back from the orthodontist my car broke down and hour and a half from home, was stranded for hours and ended up with a bill of $340. Vasaas better step up the writing, stat!

Note to self: must find rubies and buy some orange and yellow clothes immediately!

The Shahs of Sunset

It’s all fun and games for the Shahs of Sunset. These guys are always partying and eating incredible amounts of food that look obscenely delicious Their lives seem to be set on permanent Spring Break; but, unlike the RHOBH, I don’t see any rich husbands.

I watch the Shahs of Sunset because I find it utterly fascinating and it makes me want to learn to speak Farsi.

This is one hard partying group with seemingly bottomless bank accounts yet only three of them appear to have jobs.

Asa, the self-proclaimed Persian Pop Priestess is my favorite although I have a soft spot for Reza the self-proclaimed Gay Gandhi. Asa appears to be fabulously wealthy and unemployed. She says they are refugees who left Iran with nothing. Her house is enormous and I believe she also has a guest house. Last I saw Asa she was waving a pendulum over various Mercedes convertibles trying to decide which one to get. When she sat down with the sales person he said $1199/mo. and $3000 down. She said she was fine with the $1199 but if it was $2000 down she’d do it and off she drove. Who on the planet pays $1199/mo. for ANY car? What’s in that hookah of hers?

She’s got her Diamond Water. Has anyone actually seen it in a store? I don’t think so. Andy Cohen recently asked her and she said it was sold out. Asa seems to do some really nutty things like charging water with diamonds and the ritual to pick out the perfect diamond was quite a production. Yet, all this seems to suit her and make her all the more charming. She is elegant, beautiful, comfortable in her own skin, and always the peace maker. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen her fight with anyone. She even remained calm while Jessica railed her. Personally, I would have stabbed Jessica in the eye with a fork.

I don’t get Jessica. She’s gone to hell and back just to get Mike to propose and if I’m going to be totally honest, Mike seems like a total ass. He’s rude, has dissed his friends, and took advantage of Reza’s generosity when they teamed up to work together. Reza did all the work while Mike sat around and complained a lot. He appears completely useless and not particularly likeable. To that degree, he and Jessica do make the perfect couple.

GG is the Shah’s version of Brandi from RHOBH. She’s usually drunk and fights with everyone. At least Brandi sort of has a job – sort of. GG seems to do nothing except drink, fight with everyone, and rattle around in her giant pig sty of a condo. She also recently had a boob job and a booty job where they injected the fat from her flanks into her ass. Maybe she secretly wants a job on the RHOA who are all bootylicious.

GG accused mike of trying to nail her in Turkey and even went so far as to take a lie detector test to prove it. The test showed she was without a doubt telling the truth. Mike is sticking to his denial. I don’t see him stepping up to the plate to take a lie detector test of his own. Good for you GG! Maybe you are finally turning your life around. Does this mean you’ll be getting a job?

I like MJ. She’s not afraid to show off her curves but those bodacious boobies deserve a show of their own. I recently saw her on Andy Cohen wearing a dress with a plunging cleavage and obviously no bra. She said she was being held up with duct tape. I, myself, am a large breasted woman and it’s not comfortable. She’s got to be utterly miserable lugging those things around. I like that she has finally found love in a guy who seems to genuinely adore everything about her and is even ten years her junior. You go girl! Hey, it worked for Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon, for a while.

MJ also seems to have a job although we rarely get to see her in her office. Her mother is one tough cookie and reminds me a lot of my mother. That’s real emotional abuse. Perhaps MJ and Kandi from the RHOA could get together and commiserate, because Mamma Joyce ain’t no picnic!

But MJ went off the deep end when she put her dead dog in her own freezer. I loved my first dog like nothing else in my life. Five years later I still grieve for him; however I would not have put him in my freezer nor had him stuffed. (I do wish I had clipped a piece of his fur but he died when I was out of town.) MJ is planning on getting her dog stuffed. Did she watch too many episodes of Dance Moms?

I love Reza and Adam. Reza seems to be the most successful Sha and building a real estate empire. You have to love someone that has $3000 in cash in his pocket to buy caviar from a vending machine. I don’t even think Charlie Sheen carries around $3000, well then again, he probably does – hooker/cocaine money. Reza is so sweet and caring, always trying to fix things when this group of friends turn on one another. Frenemies again? It seems every Bravo show cast is comprised of frenemies. I also love his fiancé and yes, I did notice the engagement ring came in a Cartier box. That Reza has a lot of class and GG could learn a few things from him if she weren’t so pig headed all the time.

The newest Shaette, Asifa and her ex-husband/boyfriend whatever his name is, are a mystery to me. These two seem like absolute jerks. Her significant other just showed off his new Bentley to Mike and in the driveway were at least half a dozen other six figure cars. Who needs that many cars? What is this guy trying to prove? Is he compensating for …. well, you know what I’m getting at. I’d love to know what he does for a living because I’m definitely in the wrong business.

Asifa is a spoiled brat who has taken self esteem to a delusional level. The boyfriend/ex-husband demanded (you demand?) that Asifa give his dog a bath. She was so mean to that poor little dog I was horrified. She complains about everything and if I had to live with that jerk, I probably would too. It’s no wonder that Mike and whatever his name remained friends, after Mike ostracized himself from the group. Birds of a feather…

I will keep watching these perky Persians, because I’m addicted and I still want to learn to speak Farsi.

There’s that addiction to chaos again.

Note to self: Call Adrien Blackwell ASAP

Shark Tank – Mr. Wonderful and the Gang

Shark Tank has become one of my favorite shows where people with ideas for businesses, some brilliant, some idiotic, appear in front of five uber rich people hoping to get an investment. They are what Daymond John calls YOLO moments: You only live once.

Kevin O’Leary is to Shark Tank as Simon Cowell was to American Idol, but funnier. His nickname is “Mr. Wonderful.” (I think Barbara gave him that moniker.) Someone has to chronicle some of Kevin’s most notable quotes and it might as well be me.

Don’t cry for money; it never cries for you.
What’s the only thing that matters? MONEY!
You are part genius, part nut bar factor six.
This is poo poo on a stick.
This is crap. Take it behind the barn and shoot it.
This is a nothing burger!
Stop the madness!
That’s why they call me Mr. Wonderful.
I forbid you to keep doing this.
Don’t disrespect the money
Why don’t we hold hands and sing kumbaya
You’ll be crushed like the cockroach you are
I’m never wrong
I will squeeze you like a teenage pimple

I’m sure there are more but those are the ones that come to mind at the moment. Please leave comments if you can think of ones I’ve missed.

O’Leary is a total snob always telling obscure stories from mythology or quoting people no one has heard of. He also loves to talk about wine. He claims to belong to a secret society where people gather in France and drink zillion dollar bottles of wine.

I think I’ve only ever seen him wear black. Maybe that’s why his fellow Sharks sometimes refer to him as “the undertaker.”

I saw an interview with him where he said he will pay for his kids up to any educational level they want and then won’t give them a penny. Nice dad.

Laurie Greiner, the “Queen of QVC” has made hundreds of millions hawking her 120 patents worth of stuff on QVC and now has made a name for herself in big box stores like Walmart and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. She’s a savvy business woman but it drives me insane that she only wears her hair on one side of her head. I’m also really sick of the peek-a-boo black dress and the God awful turquoise one. I’m guessing they shoot many episodes at once because the Sharks are usually wearing the same clothes.

Robert Herjavec is the “pretty shark.” He doesn’t seem to get a lot of deals. He makes offers which are usually ignored by the people looking for an investment and undermined by his cast mates. He once stared someone down and said “don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.” I love that. He’s also parlayed his Shark Tank Fame into a stint on Dancing with the Stars and an apparent romance with his Australian dance partner. He seems to be the most conservative Shark, usually seen in a gray suit.

Billionaire Mark Cuban is the smug shark. (Btw, he also appeared on Dancing with the Stars with the same Aussie partner that Herjavec has.) He loves to sit back and watch the others duke it out and say he’s “just listening.” He’ll go for the jugular when it suits him to undermine the other Sharks. Because he owns the Dallas Mavericks NBA team, he loves to use basketball analogies and give people a “24 second shot clock” to respond to his offers. He can be nasty at times to both his fellow Sharks and the entrepreneurs. He’s really good at cutting Robert out of deals. When Mark does close a deal, those people seem to do quite well. His net worth is far higher than any of the other sharks at 2.5 billion, yes that’s billion. I have to admit that sometimes I think Mark Cuban is really hot. Then there are times when he looks like Lurch from the Adams Family. He also always looks like he just rolled out of bed. Ok, Erica, get your mind out of the gutter.

Barbara Corcoran rotates places with Laurie. Barbara is a “fiery real estate mogul” in New York City. She seems quite old but talks about having a 5 year old that she takes to Gymboree. I’m quite sure she’s in her 60s. While she made her fortune in real estate, Barbara’s entrepreneurs have done exceedingly well and she celebrates their success by taking them to her summer home on Fire Island. If I recall she also only wears black.

Daymond John, a “fashion and branding expert” who created Fubu is an interesting guy, and by far the best dressed Shark. He looks impeccable at all times. I love the purple shirts and ties, suspenders and giant diamond earrings; but, he can be quite nasty. Yes he’s made money; but let’s get real. He was selling hats and T-shirts and got lucky because a friend from the hood who was an up and coming rap artist agreed to wear some Fubu stuff and of course if you can get a celeb to wear your stuff, it takes off. I’m not quite sure this qualifies you as a marketing and branding expert, but again, he has made a ton of money. His favorite thing is to pull his deals off the table, then bring them back asking for more equity. While he doesn’t seem all that likeable on Shark Tank, I know people who have met him in person and said he was actually very nice.

If I become an entrepreneur I will look for venture capital; but, I’m not sure I have what if takes to brave the Shark Tank. I would, however, like to see Mark Cuban in person.

Dance Moms – Abby Lee Miller, Evil Genius

Dance Moms’ Abby Lee Miller is the ultimate evil genius; Simon Cowell and Kevin O’Leary have nothing on her. When people appear on American Idol or Shark Tank they get blasted by O’Leary and Cowell and slink off the stage with their tails between their legs. BUT Abby actually gets PAID and paid a lot by the people she is constantly criticizing, yelling, and screaming at.

Abby’s Elite Competition Team (or whatever it’s called this week) travels all over the country from Pittsburgh to California, Florida, wherever. These kids sign contracts with her and pay her a fortune to train with, not to mention the money they spend on travel, costumes, etc.

Yet, Abby has all the graciousness and tact of a lion killing a gazelle; she’s brutal with both the students AND their parents. Who would pay someone thousands of dollars a year to be horribly mean and cruel to them and their children? Apparently these Dance Moms. They bitch and moan and watch Abby undermine each child but they keep coming back for more. Is Abby Lee Miller the only dance teacher on Earth? Is Bravo TV paying them that much? I highly doubt it.

Abby loves covert activity. She makes secret phone calls, pulls auditions and solos, all in the name of spite, while pirouetting herself all the way to the bank.

If her kids make any money off their talent, Abby profits as she has locked up contracts with all of them. She controls every aspect of their “careers.”

Melissa has home schooled her kids so Abby’s little darling, Maddie, can spend hours upon hours spinning on her toes. Maddie has gotten some success and public notoriety, appeared in a music video, TV shows, and even performed at the Grammys. I don’t know much about dance so I can’t comment on how good a dancer Maddie really is but she has a lot of personality and Abby on her side. I think Abby might have yelled at Maddie, once. Her little sister, Mackenzie is not so lucky. Not only does she have to live in her sister’s shadow and be constantly compared to her, but she has to endure the wrath of Abby just about every day as do the others.

The Dance Moms bicker amongst themselves just like the Real Housewives of (insert name of city here). They pit themselves against one another like lionesses protecting their cubs, each one trying to win Abby over. Yet, I think they claim to stick together. Frenemies?

Some will stop at nothing to get on Abby’s good side. Does she have a good side? Jill has bought her gifts, finally shut her mouth, and it paid off has her daughter, Kendall, is now one of Abby’s faves and recently shot one of the most dreadful music videos ever.

The once classy, highly educated successful career woman, Holly has now let Abby send her into tears over Nia’s “career.” All Holly tried to do was get her daughter further along and all it did was piss Abby off. Not a good idea; but, Holly keeps writing the checks.

Abby’s girls win a lot but is it because of their talent, her teaching, or their Bravo TV exposure? If they don’t win, the fangs and claws come out, big time.

Abby is also a little nuts. When her dog died she had it stuffed. I find this really creepy and no one loves their dogs more than I. At least she buried the stuffed dog with her mom when her mom died. That’s kinda creepy too.

I wondered if Abby’s antics were just for the camera; but a friend of mine whose daughter has danced against Abby’s girls, says it’s all real.

I would love to get paid to yell and scream at people all day long and have them write me big checks.

I think I’ll be a professional dominatrix specializing in humiliation. Some guys really dig that.

The RHOA Reunion Part 1 – Real Housewives of Atlanta

Last night was only the first part of Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion; but it’s absurdity merited it’s own post. I’m sure there will be more to follow.

The RHOA of Atlanta were all attired in white looking very prim and proper except for Kenya who was wearing a Beyoncé rip-off (really?) and Portia whose dress looked like it needed it’s own couch. That one shoulder striped number appeared to have a train akin to a wedding dress and was distracting as was Kenya’s lace peek a boo outfit.

If these women are friends, who needs enemies? Are they frenemies? The RHOA are all about throwing shade. Hey, at least I learned a new term. They even get physically violent with one another and at least Andy Cohen was wise enough this time to put Kenya and Portia as far away as possible and Kenya didn’t bring any props with which to taunt her co-stars.

Let’s start with the hair, shall we? How many wigs do these ladies own? (Despite the fact they teased Kim into oblivion about her wigs.) Kenya claims to have 24 inches of her own hair. I assume the word “own” means she bought and paid for it.

Every day each of these women is sporting a new hairdo, different colors, styles, lengths and no offense, but unless you really are Beyoncé, blonde just doesn’t look good on black people. I simply don’t understand the constant wigs and the one Cynthia was wearing last night was dreadful. The 70s and Diana Ross called and want her hair back.

In the last episode of the season Phaedra and Kenya finally reconciled in a teary eyed discussion, yet the two were going at it tooth and nail last night.

Phaedra, the self-proclaimed “southern belle” is pretty good at being nasty while looking incredibly elegant. She says she has five degrees and she is a lawyer – a lawyer who married a convicted felon and then watched him go back to prison after scamming people out of more than two million dollars. Where was Phaedra during all this? She’s obviously bright but how do you not know something of this magnitude is going on? Maybe she should get her nose out of the text books and into her own life. She has two children with her criminal husband and refuses to take them to visit their father, claiming that it is “too difficult” and that the prison has too many “constraints.” Kandi was rolling her eyes the whole time so it appears she has some knowledge about all this. Who am I to say if you should bring your one year old to see their father in jail? I just can’t figure out how she thought marrying this guy was a good idea in the first place.

Nene Leakes must be hanging out with Heather Paige Kent Dubrow because Nene has turned into one condescending bitch. Her attitude was obnoxious and just decided to proclaim “I am wrong, you are right” as a blanket statement rather than discuss anything. I guess her two week stint on Broadway makes her better than the rest. Sorry, two weeks means you have a really good agent; two years means you’re a really good actress. Move over Judy Dent – Nene Leakes is here.

Portia, best known for claiming to have “learned about her divorce on Twitter” is just an idiot. I can’t figure out how she’s driving a Rolls, has an 8,000 square foot home, and has a job. What exactly does she do and who pays her to do it and, more importantly, WHY? I think my dog would be more capable of doing anything Portia could do. Heck, my dog even knows how to empty the hamper. The ladies (especially Claudia) say that Portia’s riches come from some married man she was sleeping with. The mistress theory seems like the only logical one because no one else could be that stupid and I’m quite sure Kordell had a solid pre-nup.

I like Kandi but she really didn’t have much to say although she tried to sort things out between herself and her “friends” who didn’t appear to want any part of her. Kandi seems to be the one who actually works. She’s a Grammy winning entrepreneur with one project after another. Todd seems like a decent guy, no matter what Mamma Joyce has to say about him. And Kandi, thank you for getting rid of the glow in the dark red hair.

Cynthia doesn’t really do much except sit around and look pretty. I’m not sure she said a single word.

Then there’s Claudia – I have no words. As far as I can tell she’s brought nothing to the show and I don’t imagine Bravo would bring her back.

I’m looking forward to next week when the husbands appear. This could get really ugly. 🙂

The Real Housewives of Atlanta -RHOA

I starting watching the RHOA a couple of years ago and I have to say I’ve liked past seasons better than this one. The best thing about this show is I’ve learned a new language. I know how to throw shade, spill tea, and give a read. Although I’ve since been told that these words actually originated in the gay community not the black community. Wherever it started, I like the words and use them at work just to confuse people.

I used to love Nene Leaks. Now I can’t stand her. She used to be so fun and seemingly real and then she turned into a prima donna. Nene must have the best agent on the planet because she’s getting TV roles (albeit the shows have been cancelled) and a stint on Broadway. I saw her reading her lines and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Lassie and Flipper were better actors. Her agent must have a magic wand. She’s really turned against her friends this year and while it was her idea to set up group therapy – she walked out on the session saying she felt “attacked.” She really is full of herself and makes sure everyone knows it. Trust me Nene, it’s obvious. By the way, unless you’re Beyoncé, blonde doesn’t look good on African Americans.

Another one who thinks she’s better than everyone is Kenya Moore. I honestly don’t know what to make of this beauty queen turned self-proclaimed media mogul. She claims to have been an actress, a producer, a model, and a host of other things. I’ve never heard of her till the RHOA but maybe it’s because I travel in the wrong circles? She really does think she’s all that and her “fabulous twirling” antics were only amusing when Nene hoisted her up and carried her away from a fight last season. The rest of it is kind of obnoxious. She’s another one that seems to have a ton of money without having any visible means of income, other than her salary from Bravo.

Porsha was the comic relief of the group as her blatant stupidity around every turn was rather amusing although somewhat sad. Her ex-husband was a complete control freak and she was a puppet yet she relentlessly defended him. She then claimed she found out she was getting divorced via Twitter. I’m sure Kordell had a pre-nup (he can’t be as stupid as she) but yet Porsha moved into an 8000 square foot house by herself in Nene’s neighborhood. She’s running around in designer clothes and I believe she’s driving around in a Bentley and she had a boob job. Since last season Portia has gotten a JOB! I can’t imagine this girl could even sort mail and yet she’s got some media gig. I can only conclude she has Nene’s agent or is sleeping with the person that hired her. Throughout the season there have been rumors (of course denied by Porsha) that she is sleeping with some married African guy who is lavishing her with gifts.

Phaedra Parks is obviously a bright woman with more careers than it seems anyone could have in a lifetime, let alone before they turn 50. One of those occupations is attorney leading one to question: why on Earth she’d marry a convicted felon, have two children with him, only to watch him go back to jail while she’s changing the locks on their house?

I really like Kandi. She is so talented, smart, funny, and a true entrepreneur. She’s won Grammys, started an adult toy line, has clothing stores, and more. Kandi is always doing something that’s making her money and she’s generous with her money, especially with her mother. Her mother, Joyce, is really difficult but Kandi gifted her a house. Instead of being appreciative, Joyce has continued to criticize Kandi, her husband, be rude, and complain constantly I can relate and my mother’s name is also Joyce. Maybe it’s the name. How many Joyces have you encountered in your life?

This season they added Claudia. Who? I vaguely remember her from The Apprentice. I haven’t found that she adds anything at all to the show. Apparently she and Porsha work in the same building and have some issues. I guess the issues were supposed to bring more drama to the show but honestly I don’t think anyone cares. I know I didn’t.

There’s another woman who is on sometimes – some singer who took all the other housewives on a trip. I have no idea who she is. I don’t think anyone else knows either and I don’t think anyone cares. As far as I can tell neither she nor Claudia add anything to the show.

Last night I watch part one of the reunion. That deserves it’s very own post!

Vacation Gone Wrong – the one I did not want

I’ve been longing for a vacation as it’s been 8 years since my husband and I had a proper vacation. The last one was a week in Cancun. Unfortunately it was shortly after the hurricane and it was, well let’s just say, not what we expected. The “resort” was damaged. There were half a dozen beach chairs and people would literally go to the beach at 5 am to reserve their chairs by placing things on them. Even if they never used the chairs they seemed to guard them like a German Shepherd at a junk yard and things got vicious if you went near one. One couple had a room whose room faced the lobby but they didn’t have curtains. When they asked for some they were told “not today.” This became the catch phrase and the running joke because any time anyone asked for something, the response was “not today.”

We didn’t have any towels when we checked in and did manage to get some. Even though we hung them up after use, they were taken by the housekeeping staff the next day and not replaced. Again we asked for towels and eventually got them. From that point on we had to hide them to prevent them from being taken. One day we were told the electricity would be shut off for most of the day. We had electric locks on the room doors so the choice was to lock yourself inside or be locked out until the electricity was restored. Food was limited due to the lack of electricity but fortunately downtown was a relatively short walk. Despite the short comings of the “resort” we made some good friends and had T-shirts made up that said “Not Today.”

Fast forward to 2015 and my husband I and I are aching to go somewhere, especially after the horrible winter. He works awful hours, up at 4 am and is dead dog tired after being out in the elements all day carrying boxes and delivering them. He gets no vacation time, sick pay, or even funeral pay. When his mother died it cost him $600 in lost pay. So a vacation means cost of the vacation, a lost week of pay for him, and a fortune to have someone take care of the dogs because his mom, who always took care of them, passed away a year ago.

My job gives me vacation pay. I cannot accumulate more than 80 hours at a time so I have to “use it or loose it.” I decided to take the week of memorial day off since Memorial Day was a paid day off for me.

Then plans went awry. Be careful what you wish for.

I was getting really bored with my job and not wanting to be there. I had years of being rich enough to not have to work and spend my days riding horses and cooking gourmet meals. This is the life I’m trying to manifest again. Two days ago I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, tried to get out of bed, only to howl in pain. My lower back and hip were in agony and I could barely move my left leg. In the morning it took 20 minutes to get my shoes on but I went to work. My boss, usually nice, had just quit smoking again and sent me home saying I could not fulfill the duties of my job. I argued I could do desk work and that wasn’t good enough.

My wonderful chiropractor was closed that day but I called his cell and he was good enough to come in to see me. He concluded that I have inflamed two vertebrae in my back and needed rest, ice, ice, more ice, and anti inflammatory meds. I stayed in bed on ice, took the meds, took a sleeping pill and woke up in pain. While I was better than the previous day, I was still having trouble walking and knew my boss would just send me home again. Bam – two vacation days down the tubes. Know I have to figure out if I can take Memorial Day week off. I get more vacation hours in June.

So I did get a whole week off. I got a “vacation;” but it was not the vacation I wanted or had planned.

Lesson learned: Be careful what you wish for because it doesn’t always happen the way you want, but it does happen!

More Stress. Just smile?

I woke up riddled with anxiety.

Since 2008 I’ve been under enormous stress and unbeknownst to me I’ve apparently been clenching and grinding my teeth. This sounds pretty innocent but now it is a problem of epic proportions.

I’ve had perfect teeth my whole life. I never had braces, I have all four wisdom teeth, and every dentist has said they’d be out of business if all their clients had teeth like mine.

This is all about to change. One day I noticed that my teeth weren’t lining up quite right. My front teeth were touching one another. Then a couple days later they would shift again and then again. I was having a lot of trouble chewing because my teeth wouldn’t meet.

I went to the dentist who for a mere $200 filed a couple of teeth to make my bite align and ordered a $400 night custom night guard to fix the problem. Sounded simple enough. WRONG. SO VERY WRONG.

I got the night guard and it squeezed my back molars so badly I couldn’t stand it. Apparently I put it on my nightstand during the night and it was gone in the morning thanks to a sheltie who thought it was delicious.

Instead of spending another $400 for a night guard (which I was still paying off) I went to CVS and bought an over the counter one. The first one slipped down my throat during the night and I was barely able to grab it and put it on the nightstand. The sheltie ate it.

Back to CVS I purchased the kind you boil and custom mold to your teeth. They run about $35. I guess I wasn’t finding it too comfortable as I took it out during the night. Yes, the sheltie ate it.

I purchased yet another one and this time guarded it like Ft. Knox. Not very comfortable, sometimes I would take it out during the night but kept the case on my nightstand.

One day I noticed a hole through one side of it. Yes, that’s how hard I was clenching and grinding. I went back to the dentist who told me my teeth were shifting and while she could repeat the $600 process, it was only going to happen again. She said there was no reason for my teeth to be moving because there was no gum disease so it was definitely all from stress. She suggested I learn how to cope with stress (thank you Captain Obvious) and go to an orthodontist.

Walking into the orthodontist’s office was like walking into Gymboree. I’ve never felt older. He looked in my mouth and said for about $7500 he could fix it with Invisalign. That’s a ton of money that I don’t have lying around at the moment. I’ll get back to you.

A couple days later I was noticing not only couldn’t I chew, I was having difficulty speaking. Ok sign me up; I’ll rob a bank.

I made the first two appointments and then got a phone call from the dentist. He said in his 45 years of practice, my case was so severe he could not help me. He said I needed a “variety of dental modalities,” including jaw surgery, crowns, braces, and a speech pathologist because apparently I am a tongue thruster. His suggestion was the NJ School of Dentistry.

Off to Google. Yes the School of Dentistry offers a “variety of dental modalities” at a discount rate because the work is performed by students “under the supervision of a professor.” Now, if a guy who’s been doing this for 45 years can’t fix me you think I’m going to let a bunch of students take a crack at it?

Back to Google, my new BFF. I researched misaligned teeth, open posterior bite, and everything else by BFF suggested. Everything said the same thing: jaw surgery followed by braces.

The jaw surgery is the most gruesome, brutal, horrible thing I’ve ever seen and makes a heart transplant look like a day at the beach. The best part is since it’s considered dental, health insurance won’t cover it even though it’s done in a hospital and you’re there for a couple of days. No pun intended, but I can’t wrap my head around jaw surgery. There HAS to be another way.

As for braces, despite their commercials, apparently Invisalign won’t work for something as severe as I’ve got. Now I’m always trying to look younger but I’m not aiming for Jr. high school young. Today braces come in fun colors like purple. I don’t think so. Can I pull off gold ones and start rapping?

My husband remembered a former client who is a dentist and called her. She recommended a “miracle orthodontist” that she has personally used both as a child an adult. He apparently goes to Europe to study new methods and brings them back. He doesn’t believe in jaw surgery! YEAH! Instead you wear an appliance for a while and turn the screws every two days to change the shape of your jaw, before he puts on the braces. Kristen said “it was kind of cool.” I think it sounds like something I saw in a museum in Scotland. Unfortunately Dr. Miracle has just left for Hong Kong for two weeks to visit his kids. I made the first available appointment and even offered to pick him up at the airport.

During the past two weeks I have been aware of my teeth ever obsessive second of the day, where my tongue is, where my teeth are, if any are touching when I close my mouth. Can I chew in ANY spot.

My appointment with Dr. Miracle is tomorrow.

I just figured out why I have been riddled with anxiety all day.