Erica on the Edge

My new braces continue to torture and torment me.

You’ve all read by now (or at least you should have) my experience with the palate expander and getting my lower braces on.

I went back to the orthodontist yesterday because the wire came out of the end bracket and one of the screws got stuck on the palate expander when I tried to widen it again.  This torture device continued to rip the crap out of my mouth and tongue and cause excruciating pain to my molars from the evil hooks on the side.  The only benefit was the weight loss from not being able to eat.

My appointment was actually a week earlier than it was supposed to be and when I arrived the doctor was amazed at how much my jaw and teeth had moved.  He took the expander out and said “throw this thing away!”  What? The last time I was there he said I had another 8- 10 weeks to go. I was beyond excited.  He actually said I was “over expanded;” but, that was not a bad thing.

When he took the wire out to replace it I begged him to let me floss my teeth. OMG I was in floss heaven.  I am a flossing fanatic and flossing with braces is next to impossible.  You have to take a piece of floss with a plastic end and thread it through each tooth separately and try to floss and good luck removing the floss because it’s not only shredded to bits but it’s stuck on the brackets. Be sure to have a washcloth handy cause you’ll be drooling like a toddler. So it was pure nirvana being able to floss now that the wire was off. I was beyond happy. Who knew flossing my teeth could bring such joy?

I had bought a Water Pik to aid in this flossing, which resulted in swollen and bleeding gums. Apparently it’s not the panacea it’s supposed to be.  According to the hygienist it forces the plaque under the gum line resulting in swelling, bleeding, and a multitude of other problems. Ok, another $40 down the drain.

He then asked if I was ready for my upper braces. HUH? Um, I guess so.  So as the hygienist was applying the glue and brackets the Dr. walked by and laughed and said “I can’t wait to see you with a mouth full of metal.”  I told him he sounded just like my husband.  He asked if that was a good thing and I said it depends on the day.  He asked how long I’d been married and I told him 20 years.  He said “well I guess then that’s a good thing.” Again my response was “it depends on the day.”

I left the office, giving him another $1500.  In about an hour my teeth were throbbing.  Three Motrin later, I had no relief.  I thought I was going to die.  I was starving and eating was NOT an option.

Today I had an all day meeting right by the dentist’s office so I spent last night in a hotel. This hotel was beyond scary. While looking for the lobby I saw a half naked guy who appeared drunk or on drugs staggering about.  The first room had no lock on the door and the TV didn’t work.  They switched my room to one where the light didn’t work but the lock did and so did the TV. At that point I was fine with it. Being completely tortured by my teeth I tried to distract myself with the Real Housewives of New York while praying for a quick and painless death.

This morning I stopped on the way to the meeting for coffee and a muffin. Who knew a muffin could be hard to eat?  For lunch I ordered a salad – forget about it.  I came home to some cooked salmon – flaky and soft and each bite sent my head spinning like a dreidel.

It’s back to yogurt and pudding and maybe I’ll start drinking. The upside? I should have a rocking bikini body by mid-July!  Hopefully I’ll also have perfect teeth before the end of the year.

The dentist is begging for reviews on Yelp.  I will reserve mine till the end result.

Let him sweat for a while.

Today I got my new braces – the latest in torture and weight loss.  It wasn’t bad enough that I still have the palate expander (see previous post on that) which resulted in an 8 pound weight loss in three weeks, but now the braces on my lower teeth will mean nothing more than pudding or yogurt for God knows how long.

The procedure was easy – some brackets with rubber bands, a wire, a couple snips, a couple of adjustments – simple.  I was told my mouth would get callouses where the braces rub against my lips. Swell.  Oh and I was told I’d be experiencing pain in the next couple of hours.  They sent me home with a giant envelope of instructions, wax, floss threaders (not happening unless I have a whole weekend to devote to it), tiny brushes for getting in between and around the brackets, and a long list of what not to eat: basically everything.

I drove home from the orthodontist feeling like I had a mouth full of stuff, well, because I do!  I stopped at a convenience store for a soft chocolate chip cookie, broke off a small piece and attempted to eat it. Nope, not happening.

I came home to my wonderful husband making a big bowl of tuna salad as he thought it would be nice and soft for me to eat.  I was exhausted and opted for a nap.

By the time I woke up and fed my dogs it was past 6pm and I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours.  I tried a few spoonfuls of the tuna and that was good. Then the biggest mistake ever! I took out a small roll, cut it in half and attempted to make a very small sandwich.  The first bite sent me into Defcon 5 pain with my head nearly exploding.  Ok, moving on. He also bought some very soft cookies so I tried one of those. I was able to eat that with no problem; but, it got completely squished and entangled in the braces.  I tried my sonic toothbrush, water pik, rinsing my mouth, and the little tiny brushes they sent me home with to slide up under the wires.  I got most of it out but there’s still a piece in the front that I think will be there until the braces come off.  Thankfully that piece is white.  From now on I will have to carry a toothbrush, toothpaste, and the tiny brushes wherever I go. Luckily, I have a large purse.

By the way, the braces themselves are gold with a silver wire.

It’s one thing to have braces when you’re a kid because people expect kids to have braces.  It’s an entirely different animal when you’re a middle aged woman with a job.  It’s embarrassing, impossible to speak or eat, and just a general nightmare.  Can invoke the Family Leave Act for braces?

The only upside to this is the orthodontist said I’d probably be done in six months, instead of the 12-14 months he originally thought.  I told him if I’m done in half the time, shouldn’t the bill be lowered?  He didn’t appreciate that comment at all.  While he’s good at his job, warm and fuzzy he is not.

At checkout, where I had to fork over another $1500 (he’s gotten $2000 so far) and told they don’t take American Express, I again asked about the price.  My theory is six months of fewer visits, less work for him, and in my world fewer hours means less pay.  The woman in charge of the money is his wife (imagine that!) and she went to talk to him and then said if I indeed finish that early, they would adjust the price.

I have to go back in two weeks and in the meantime keep widening the palate expander. Eventually the upper braces will go on. It’s my hope that when the palate expander comes out and the upper braces go on, things will get better.

With my full gold grill I’m going to have to embrace my rapper skills and I’m a pasty white girl.

Welcome to having a palate expander, a torture device undoubtedly invented by the Scots.  I’m sure this was used in Scottish prisons in the middle ages and I swear saw it in a museum in Edinburgh.

The purpose of this device is to expand your upper jaw, thereby avoiding jaw surgery.  When combined with braces, this is supposed to produce a fabulous smile, correct bite, and fix a multitude of problems … that is IF you can stand having it in your mouth!

The palate expander looks like a metal spider but far more Machiavellian in scope.  It has two little keyholes in the middle and every week you turn the screws to make it wider, supposedly widening your upper jaw.  Orthodontists call it an “appliance,” I call it sheer torture.  The only upside is my inability to eat and the resultant weight loss.

The first thing that happens is the orthodontist fits the palate expander in your mouth and makes sure the little wire arms on the sides firmly grip the molars. Um, ouch.  It doesn’t fit flush to the roof of your mouth so now you have this “thing” in your mouth making it virtually impossible to speak.  The doctor says  in the beginning your mouth thinks it’s food so to expect more saliva.  Now I am drooling, talking like I have a severe speech impediment or am mentally challenged.  This does not bode well for speaking to clients or anyone else at work who keep looking at me very strangely.

The slit, which gets wider as you turn the screws shreds the crap out of your tongue. The remedy for this is strips of orthodontic wax. The theory is you press the wax over the gaps and screws and it makes it more comfortable … not.  Also, as the day goes on the wax mysteriously disappears which leads me to believe I have ingested enough wax to have formed a candle in my stomach.  I went through half a box of wax in one day and called for more.  I now have a box of wax in all locations: desk, purse, glove compartment, nightstand, bathroom sink, and live in fear that I might be caught somewhere without it. You thought Linus was attached to his blanket?  I clutch my wax like it’s the Holy Grail.

Eating with a palate expander is darn near impossible because honestly it’s just not worth it.  It hurts to eat a potato chip.  Pudding is good but since it doesn’t sit flush to the roof of your mouth EVERYTHING goes up underneath it and I have a nasty burn mark the entire outline of it from trying to eat a cheesesteak with a fork.  Also what doesn’t get stuck inside it gets stuck on the metal hooks.  After eating you’re supposed to brush it; but seriously, who runs around with a toothbrush?  So I rinse it off then try to rinse my teeth which are caked with food.

The first day it took me an hour to eat 1/2 a slice of pizza when I decided it just couldn’t be done. I’d rather be hungry.  That’s my new philosophy.  Hunger = less pain.

Today I forgot to bring food to work and someone gifted me a burger and fries.  I nibbled on the fries – not too terrible. Then I took a bite of the burger.  The bread squished up and through the “thing” and my molars screamed with pain when I tried to chew.  I never knew teeth could throb.

The happiest part of my day is the 15 minutes I get to soak it in denture cleaner, and yes, buying denture cleaner was a little embarrassing.

I get to turn the screws two more times before lower braces go on.  I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate this for a year because the discomfort is getting worse, not better.  “You’ll get used to it,” they keep saying.  I think they are lying. No, I KNOW they are lying.  The best part is I’m paying $7800 to be tortured.  Couldn’t I just take dance lessons with Abby Lee Miller instead?

So I’ve been trying different spiritual methods for manifesting money and this quest has now led me to Vedic astrology.  If you’ve read my former post called My Quest For Sanity, you already know that I’ve chanted, burned bay leaves, used GG codes, attempted conscious creation, and done Theta healing with the amazing Adrien Blackwell (askblackwell@gmail.com).

I’ve had some success and Adrien has moved mountains for me and I listen to all her instructions – even when she had me do a parasite cleanse.  I don’t think I would poop parasites for anyone else but for her, yes.

So Adrien came to me and told me about this guy in India who is now writing mantras for her and read her astral chart using Vedic astrology which is very different from the traditional USA astrology.  When Adrien Blackwell tells me to do something, I DO IT.

So I sent an email to a guy in India with all my birth information.  His rapid reply was devastating!  Apparently Venus is not in a favorable position in my chart and neither is Mercury which is apparently creating very negative forces to my making money.  There is also a big two year period of a “chance” of some money coming in.  AND as if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s some kind of dragon something or other in my chart that means all the chanting and writing mantras I do for myself won’t do squat for me.  So much for the two malas I bought and the thousands of mantras I wrote in every notebook I could find!

According to Vasaas, I have to boost the Sun and Jupiter in order to increase my money.  There are Sun mantras and Jupiter mantras; but, since the dragon thingy means I can’t do it myself I have to have someone else do it on my behalf.  I asked around on Facebook and people said they’d do it; but, no one actually did. Vasaas to the rescue!  Every day he is writing in Sanskrit 108 of one Sun mantra and 108 of a Jupiter mantra.  He actually sends me photos of the pages he writes every day.  Hey, I’ll take any help I can get.

Then he tells me I must put a photo of a sunrise (with no water in the photo) on the Southern wall of my home and office.  Immediately I went to Google Images and found a sunrise over a mountain with a meadow below. Printed out two copies and hung them. Check.

He told me to check the south east portion of my house and move any heavy furniture to a different location.  This isn’t happening. I’m not moving furniture around because everything I own is solid and heavy but apparently if I have these heavy pieces in that location I am blocking the flow of money.

Next, he said to avoid the color green at all costs.  Green and blue are my favorite colors and green is the color of money! Well apparently green is also the color of Mercury (always thought it was red) and will negatively impact my finances.  Much to my horror the necklace and earrings I was wearing were ……green.

As I looked around I noticed everything was green!  My notebook, the bin with papers on my desk, my dust cloths, my kitchen towels, my pack of cigarettes, green, green, green, EVERYWHERE!!!!!  At least the pen I was using had an orange barrel because that’s the color of the company I work for.

He told me to wear and incorporate yellow and orange into my life to boost the power of the sun.  Yellow looks terrible on me unless it’s really pale and orange, well let’s just say yuck.  So I tear through my closet and find two orange shirts and a couple of pale yellow T shirts.  I wore the orange polo shirt to work and every night I now come home and put on a pale yellow T-shirt.  Then last night I  looked down in horror to find I have been changing into the yellow T-shirt with GREEN shorts!

Another thing he said was to always wear rubies – either a pendant or a ring.  It happens to be my birthstone but has something to do with the sun.  I don’t much care for rubies but if it will make me money I’ll glue them to my forehead and run naked down the Garden State Parkway.

Next stop Ebay – found a nice Ruby ring and bid on it and lost.  Found a pendant, won it only to realize it was really a Ruby Topaz!  Now in full blown panic mode I started thinking rubies are just red sapphires and I have plenty of pink sapphire so wouldn’t that do? I asked Vasaas but never got an answer.  Adrien said if the guy said rubies I’d better wear rubies!

I remembered about 23 years ago my mother gave me two ruby and diamond rings.  One is magnificent but you would only wear it if you were attending the Oscars. The other I hated and never wore.  I came home, took it out, decided it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and put it on.  It’s a little fancy for my yellow T-shirt and green shorts but I don’t care. It’s still rubies.  I’m still hunting on Ebay for something a little less dramatic.

So as Vasaas is trying to improve my financial well being, I get an email saying my freelance gig that pays me $300/mo. (for very little effort) is ending.  I had a contract for the rest of the year and had only worked two months. I needed this money to pay for the $7800 worth of orthodontia work I’m having done.  So I send the guy in India an email saying I hope this is happening because the universe has something much bigger in store for me.  He responds saying it does, to trust him, and if nothing else he will find me a job.

The next thing I  know I’m getting dozens of Craig’s list job postings all forwarded from Vasaas.  Most were ridiculous but some I answered.  But $15/hr. is not the $60/hr. I was making.

The only reason I haven’t totally freaked out and was able to sleep last night was because Adrien has helped me so much and I can trust the universe to make it all work out.

Oh and by the way, on the way back from the orthodontist my car broke down and hour and a half from home, was stranded for hours and ended up with a bill of $340. Vasaas better step up the writing, stat!

Note to self: must find rubies and buy some orange and yellow clothes immediately!