Dance Moms – Abby Lee Miller, Evil Genius

Dance Moms’ Abby Lee Miller is the ultimate evil genius; Simon Cowell and Kevin O’Leary have nothing on her.  When people appear on American Idol or Shark Tank they get blasted by O’Leary and Cowell and slink off the stage with their tails between their legs.  BUT Abby actually gets PAID and paid a lot by the people she is constantly criticizing, yelling, and screaming at.

Abby’s Elite Competition Team (or whatever it’s called this week) travels all over the country from Pittsburgh to California, Florida, wherever.  These kids sign contracts with her and pay her a fortune to train with, not to mention the money they spend on travel, costumes, etc.

Yet, Abby has all the graciousness and tact of a lion killing a gazelle; she’s brutal with both the students AND their parents.  Who would pay someone thousands of dollars a year to be horribly mean and cruel to them and their children?  Apparently these Dance Moms.  They bitch and moan and watch Abby undermine each child but they keep coming back for more.  Is Abby Lee Miller the only dance teacher on Earth?  Is Bravo TV paying them that much? I highly doubt it.

Abby loves covert activity.  She makes secret phone calls, pulls auditions and solos, all in the name of spite, while pirouetting herself all the way to the bank.

If her kids make any money off their talent, Abby profits as she has locked up contracts with all of them.  She controls every aspect of their “careers.”

Melissa has home schooled her kids so Abby’s little darling, Maddie, can spend hours upon hours spinning on her toes.  Maddie has gotten some success and public notoriety, appeared in a music video, TV shows, and even performed at the Grammys.  I don’t know much about dance so I can’t comment on how good a dancer Maddie really is but she has a lot of personality and Abby on her side.  I think Abby might have yelled at Maddie, once.  Her little sister, Mackenzie is not so lucky.  Not only does she have to live in her sister’s shadow and be constantly compared to her, but she has to endure the wrath of Abby just about every day as do the others.

The Dance Moms bicker amongst themselves just like the Real Housewives of (insert name of city here). They pit themselves against one another like lionesses protecting their cubs, each one trying to win Abby over. Yet, I think they claim to stick together.  Frenemies?

Some will stop at nothing to get on Abby’s good side. Does she have a good side? Jill has bought her gifts, finally shut her mouth, and it paid off has her daughter, Kendall, is now one of Abby’s faves and recently shot one of the most dreadful music videos ever.

The once classy, highly educated successful career woman, Holly has now let Abby send her into tears over Nia’s “career.”  All Holly tried to do was get her daughter further along and all it did was piss Abby off. Not a good idea; but, Holly keeps writing the checks.

Abby’s girls win a lot but is it because of their talent, her teaching, or their Bravo TV exposure?  If they don’t win, the fangs and claws come out, big time.

Abby is also a little nuts.  When her dog died she had it stuffed. I find this really creepy and no one loves their dogs more than I.  At least she buried the stuffed dog with her mom when her mom died.  That’s kinda creepy too.

I wondered if Abby’s antics were just for the camera; but a friend of mine whose daughter has danced against Abby’s girls, says it’s all real.

I would love to get paid to yell and scream at people all day long and have them write me big checks.

I think I’ll be a professional dominatrix specializing in humiliation.  Some guys really dig that.

 

The RHOA Reunion Part 1 – Real Housewives of Atlanta

Last night was only the first part of Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion; but it’s absurdity merited it’s own post. I’m sure there will be more to follow.

The RHOA of Atlanta were all attired in white looking very prim and proper except for Kenya who was wearing a Beyoncé rip-off (really?) and Portia whose dress looked like it needed it’s own couch.  That one shoulder striped number appeared to have a train akin to a wedding dress and was distracting as was Kenya’s lace peek a boo outfit.

If these women are friends, who needs enemies? Are they frenemies?  The RHOA are all about throwing shade.  Hey, at least I learned a new term.  They  even get physically violent with one another and at least Andy Cohen was wise enough this time to put Kenya and Portia as far away as possible and Kenya didn’t bring any props with which to taunt her co-stars.

Let’s start with the hair, shall we? How many wigs do these ladies own?  (Despite the fact they teased Kim into oblivion about her wigs.)  Kenya claims to have 24 inches of her own hair. I assume the word “own” means she bought and paid for it.

Every day each of these women is sporting a new hairdo, different colors, styles, lengths and no offense, but unless you really are Beyoncé, blonde just doesn’t look good on black people.  I simply don’t understand the constant wigs and the one Cynthia was wearing last night was dreadful. The 70s and Diana Ross called and want her hair back.

In the last episode of the season Phaedra and Kenya finally reconciled in a teary eyed discussion, yet the two were going at it tooth and nail last night.

Phaedra, the self-proclaimed “southern belle” is pretty good at being nasty while looking incredibly elegant.  She says she has five degrees and she is a lawyer – a lawyer who married a convicted felon and then watched him go back to prison after scamming people out of more than two million dollars. Where was Phaedra during all this?  She’s obviously bright but how do you not know something of this magnitude is going on? Maybe she should get her nose out of the text books and into her own life.  She has two children with her criminal husband and refuses to take them to visit their father, claiming that it is “too difficult” and that the prison has too many “constraints.”  Kandi was rolling her eyes the whole time so it appears she has some knowledge about all this.  Who am I to say if you should bring your one year old to see their father in jail?  I just can’t figure out how she thought marrying this guy was a good idea in the first place.

Nene Leakes must be hanging out with Heather Paige Kent Dubrow because Nene has turned into one condescending bitch.  Her attitude was obnoxious and just decided to proclaim “I am wrong, you are right” as a blanket statement rather than discuss anything.  I guess her two week stint on Broadway makes her better than the rest.  Sorry, two weeks means you have a really good agent; two years means you’re a really good actress.  Move over Judy Dent – Nene Leakes is here.

Portia, best known for claiming to have “learned about her divorce on Twitter” is just an idiot. I can’t figure out how she’s driving a Rolls, has an 8,000 square foot home, and has a job. What exactly does she do and who pays her to do it and, more importantly, WHY?  I think my dog would be more capable of doing anything Portia could do.  Heck, my dog even knows how to empty the hamper.  The ladies (especially Claudia) say that Portia’s riches come from some married man she was sleeping with.  The mistress theory seems like the only logical one because no one else could be that stupid and I’m quite sure Kordell had a solid pre-nup.

I like Kandi but she really didn’t have much to say although she tried to sort things out between herself and her “friends” who didn’t appear to want any part of her. Kandi seems to be the one who actually works.  She’s a Grammy winning entrepreneur with one project after another. Todd seems like a decent guy, no matter what Mamma Joyce has to say about him.  And Kandi, thank you for getting rid of the glow in the dark red hair.

Cynthia doesn’t really do much except sit around and look pretty. I’m not sure she said a single word.

Then there’s Claudia – I have no words.  As far as I can tell she’s brought nothing to the show and I don’t imagine Bravo would bring her back.

I’m looking forward to next week when the husbands appear.  This could get really ugly.  🙂

 

 

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta -RHOA

I starting watching the RHOA a couple of years ago and I have to say I’ve liked past seasons better than this one.  The best thing about this show is I’ve learned a new language.  I know how to throw shade, spill tea, and give a read.  Although I’ve since been told that these words actually originated in the gay community not the black community.  Wherever it started, I like the words and use them at work just to confuse people.

I used to love Nene Leaks.  Now I can’t stand her.  She used to be so fun and seemingly real and then she turned into a prima donna.  Nene must have the best agent on the planet because she’s getting TV roles (albeit the shows have been cancelled) and a stint on Broadway. I saw her reading her lines and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Lassie and Flipper were better actors.  Her agent must have a magic wand.  She’s really turned against her friends this year and while it was her idea to set up group therapy – she walked out on the session saying she felt “attacked.”  She really is full of herself and makes sure everyone knows it.  Trust me Nene, it’s obvious.  By the way, unless you’re Beyoncé, blonde doesn’t look good on African Americans.

Another one who thinks she’s better than everyone is Kenya Moore. I honestly don’t know what to make of this beauty queen turned self-proclaimed media mogul.  She claims to have been an actress, a producer, a model, and a host of other things. I’ve never heard of her till the RHOA but maybe it’s because I travel in the wrong circles? She really does think she’s all that and her “fabulous twirling” antics were only amusing when Nene hoisted her up and carried her away from a fight last season. The rest of it is kind of obnoxious. She’s another one that seems to have a ton of money without having any visible means of income, other than her salary from Bravo.

Porsha was the comic relief of the group as her blatant stupidity around every turn was rather amusing although somewhat sad.  Her ex-husband was a complete control freak and she was a puppet yet she relentlessly defended him.  She then claimed she found out she was getting divorced via Twitter.  I’m sure Kordell had a pre-nup (he can’t be as stupid as she) but yet Porsha moved into an 8000 square foot house by herself in Nene’s neighborhood.  She’s running around in designer clothes and I believe she’s driving around in a Bentley and she had a boob job.  Since last season Portia has gotten a JOB!  I can’t imagine this girl could even sort mail and yet she’s got some media gig. I can only conclude she has Nene’s agent or is sleeping with the person that hired her.  Throughout the season there have been rumors (of course denied by Porsha) that she is sleeping with some married African guy who is lavishing her with gifts.

Phaedra Parks is obviously a bright woman with more careers than it seems anyone could have in a lifetime, let alone before they turn 50.  One of those occupations is attorney leading one to question: why on Earth she’d marry a convicted felon, have two children with him, only to watch him go back to jail while she’s changing the locks on their house?

I really like Kandi.  She is so talented, smart, funny, and a true entrepreneur.  She’s won Grammys, started an adult toy line, has clothing stores, and more.  Kandi is always doing something that’s making her money and she’s generous with her money, especially with her mother.  Her mother, Joyce, is really difficult but Kandi gifted her a house. Instead of being appreciative, Joyce has continued to criticize Kandi, her husband, be rude, and complain constantly  I can relate and my mother’s name is also Joyce.  Maybe it’s the name. How many Joyces have you encountered in your life?

This season they added Claudia.  Who? I vaguely remember her from The Apprentice.  I haven’t found that she adds anything at all to the show.  Apparently she and Porsha work in the same building and have some issues. I guess the issues were supposed to bring more drama to the show but honestly I don’t think anyone cares. I know I didn’t.

There’s another woman who is on sometimes – some singer who took all the other housewives on a trip. I have no idea who she is.  I don’t think anyone else knows either and I don’t think anyone cares. As far as I can tell neither she nor Claudia add anything to the show.

Last night I watch part one of the reunion.  That deserves it’s very own post!

 

 

Vacation Gone Wrong – the one I did not want

I’ve been longing for a vacation as it’s been 8 years since my husband and I had  a proper vacation.  The last one was a week in Cancun. Unfortunately it was shortly after the hurricane and it was, well let’s just say, not what we expected. The “resort” was damaged.  There were half a dozen beach chairs and people would literally go to the beach at 5 am to reserve their chairs by placing things on them.  Even if they never used the chairs they seemed to guard them like a German Shepherd at a junk yard and things got vicious if you went near one. One couple had a room whose room faced the lobby but they didn’t have curtains.  When they asked for some they were told “not today.”  This became the catch phrase and the running joke because any time anyone asked for something, the response was “not today.”

We didn’t have any towels when we checked in and did manage to get some.  Even though we hung them up after use, they were taken by the housekeeping staff the next day and not replaced.  Again we asked for towels and eventually got them.  From that point on we had to hide them to prevent them from being taken. One day we were told the electricity would be shut off for most of the day.  We had electric locks on the room doors so the choice was to lock yourself inside or be locked out until the electricity was restored.  Food was limited due to the lack of electricity but fortunately downtown was a relatively short walk. Despite the short comings of the “resort” we made some good friends and had T-shirts made up that said “Not Today.”

Fast forward to 2015 and my husband I and I are aching to go somewhere, especially after the horrible winter.  He works awful hours, up at 4 am and is dead dog tired after being out in the elements all day carrying boxes and delivering them. He gets no vacation time, sick pay, or even funeral pay. When his mother died it cost him $600 in lost pay.  So a vacation means cost of the vacation, a lost week of pay for him, and a fortune to have someone take care of the dogs because his mom, who always took care of them, passed away a year ago.

My job gives me vacation pay. I cannot accumulate more than 80 hours at a time so I have to “use it or loose it.” I decided to take the week of memorial day off since Memorial Day was a paid day off for me.

Then plans went awry. Be careful what you wish for.

I was getting really bored with my job and not wanting to be there.  I had years of being rich enough to not have to work and spend my days riding horses and cooking gourmet meals.  This is the life I’m trying to manifest again. Two days ago I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, tried to get out of bed, only to howl in pain.  My lower back and hip were in agony and I could barely move my left leg.  In the morning it took 20 minutes to get my shoes on but I went to work. My boss, usually nice, had just quit smoking again and sent me home saying I could not fulfill the duties of my job.  I argued I could do desk work and that wasn’t good enough.

My wonderful chiropractor was closed that day but I called his cell and he was good enough to come in to see me.  He concluded that I have inflamed two vertebrae in my back and needed rest, ice, ice, more ice, and anti inflammatory meds. I stayed in bed on ice, took the meds, took a sleeping pill and woke up in pain.  While I was better than the previous day, I was still having trouble walking and knew my boss would just send me home again.  Bam – two vacation days down the tubes.  Know I have to figure out if I can take Memorial Day week off. I get more vacation hours in June.

So I did get a whole week off. I got a “vacation;” but it was not the vacation I wanted or had planned.

Lesson learned: Be careful what you wish for because it doesn’t always happen the way you want, but it does happen!

More Stress. Just smile?

I woke up riddled with anxiety.

Since 2008 I’ve been under enormous stress and unbeknownst to me I’ve apparently been clenching and grinding my teeth.  This sounds pretty innocent but now it is a problem of epic proportions.

smile3I’ve had perfect teeth my whole life. I never had braces, I have all four wisdom teeth, and every dentist has said they’d be out of business if all their clients had teeth like mine.

This is all about to change. One day I noticed that my teeth weren’t lining up quite right.  My front teeth were touching one another.  Then a couple days later they would shift again and then again. I was having a lot of trouble chewing because my teeth wouldn’t meet.

I went to the dentist who for a mere $200 filed a couple of teeth to make my bite align and ordered a $400 night custom night guard to fix the problem.  Sounded simple enough. WRONG. SO VERY WRONG.

I got the night guard and it squeezed my back molars so badly I couldn’t stand it.  Apparently I put it on my nightstand during the night and it was gone in the morning thanks to a sheltie who thought it was delicious.

Instead of spending another $400 for a night guard (which I was still paying off) I went to CVS and bought an over the counter one.  The first one slipped down my throat during the night and I was barely able to grab it and put it on the nightstand. The sheltie ate it.

Back to CVS I purchased the kind you boil and custom mold to your teeth.  They run about $35.  I guess I wasn’t finding it too comfortable as I took it out during the night.  Yes, the sheltie ate it.

I purchased yet another one and this time guarded it like Ft. Knox.  Not very comfortable, sometimes I would take it out during the night but kept the case on my nightstand.

One day I noticed a hole through one side of it. Yes, that’s how hard I was clenching and grinding. I went back to the dentist who told me my teeth were shifting and while she could repeat the $600 process, it was only going to happen again. She said there was no reason for my teeth to be moving because there was no gum disease so it was definitely all from stress. She suggested I learn how to cope with stress (thank you Captain Obvious) and go to an orthodontist.

Walking into the orthodontist’s office was like walking into Gymboree.  I’ve never felt older.  He looked in my mouth and said for about $7500 he could fix it with Invisalign.  That’s a ton of money that I don’t have lying around at the moment. I’ll get back to you.

A couple days later I was noticing not only couldn’t I chew, I was having difficulty speaking. Ok sign me up; I’ll rob a bank.

I made the first two appointments and then got a phone call from the dentist. He said in his 45 years of practice, my case was so severe he could not help me. He said I needed a “variety of dental modalities,” including jaw surgery, crowns, braces, and a speech pathologist because apparently I am a tongue thruster. His suggestion was the NJ School of Dentistry.

Off to Google.  Yes the School of Dentistry offers a “variety of dental modalities” at a discount rate because the work is performed by students “under the supervision of a professor.”  Now, if a guy who’s been doing this for 45 years can’t fix me you think I’m going to let a bunch of students take a crack at it?

Back to Google, my new BFF.  I researched misaligned teeth, open posterior bite, and everything else by BFF suggested.  Everything said the same thing: jaw surgery followed by braces.

The jaw surgery is the most gruesome, brutal, horrible thing I’ve ever seen and makes a heart transplant look like a day at the beach. The best part is since it’s considered dental, health insurance won’t cover it even though it’s done in a hospital and you’re there for a couple of days. No pun intended, but I can’t wrap my head around jaw surgery. There HAS to be another way.

As for braces, despite their commercials, apparently Invisalign won’t work for something as severe as I’ve got.  Now I’m always trying to look younger but I’m not aiming for Jr. high school young. Today braces come in fun colors like purple.  I don’t think so.  Can I pull off gold ones and start rapping?

My husband remembered a former client who is a dentist and called her.  She recommended a “miracle orthodontist” that she has personally used both as a child an adult.  He apparently goes to Europe to study new methods and brings them back. He doesn’t believe in jaw surgery! YEAH! Instead you wear an appliance for a while and turn the screws every two days to change the shape of your jaw, before he puts on the braces.  Kristen said “it was kind of cool.”  I think it sounds like something I saw in a museum in Scotland.  Unfortunately Dr. Miracle has just left for Hong Kong for two weeks to visit his kids.  I made the first available appointment and even offered to pick him up at the airport.

During the past two weeks I have been aware of my teeth ever obsessive second of the day, where my tongue is, where my teeth are, if any are touching when I close my mouth.  Can I chew in ANY spot.

My appointment with Dr. Miracle is tomorrow.

I just figured out why I have been riddled with anxiety all day.

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I’ve already established that I’m addicted to Bravo TV and especially the Real Housewives Shows especially Beverly Hills and OC.  I’ve touched on this in a former post but after Kim Richards was arrested and charged with (among other things) being drunk and kicking a police officer, how could I keep silent?

Kim Richards is one hot mess.  I feel for her as she is going through a lot and sobriety is a serious issue; however, all season she has been acting crazy, defensive, and angry regarding her sobriety leading me to think the lady doth protest too much.  When Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson expressed their concern, coming from a place of love, Kim became as vicious as a great white shark. Kim (like her sister Kyle) was a child star and we’ve seen what happens to most of those kids so it’s no surprise that Kim would have some “issues.”  Her behavior this season makes Charlie Sheen look sane.  Maybe the intervention she needs is anger management.  Oh I know! How about a guest appearance with Charlie Sheen on Anger Management?

Of course being a hot mess, Kim hooked up with the hotter mess Brandi Glanville who is rarely seen without a glass of wine. Hmmm let’s think about this. If your number one goal is sobriety why make an angry drunk your best friend?

Brandi’s biggest claim to fame was her husband’s running off with Leann Rimes.  She can’t utter a sentence without the word “fuck,” usually used as a verb. Now I admit to using that word a LOT but usually as an adjective or noun.  Bat shit crazy, just this season alone she has thrown wine in Eileen Davidson’s face, and slapped Lisa Vanderpump across the face.  Sounds like someone I’d want as a best friend.  Check please.

Then there’s Kim’s sister Kyle. Kyle has gorgeous hair undoubtedly bought and paid for by her even more gorgeous husband and best asset, Mauricio. Kyle was also a child actress and has had a few bit parts lately but Meryl Streep she is not.  Mauricio has an insanely successful real estate business that has resulted in huge houses, private plane, ridiculously expensive cars, and apparently the best hair extensions money can buy.  Kyle has publicly expressed concern over not wanting her children to be spoiled yet one learned to drive in a Porsche and drove home from the DMV in a brand new Maserati. I learned to drive in a Pacer owned by my father’s secretary because I wasn’t getting anywhere near the Lincoln in the garage.  I think even the youngest daughter has Louis Vuitton.  The closest thing I’ve ever come to Louis Vuitton was when my sister asked me to hold her purse.

When it comes to conflict of any kind Kyle likes to hide behind a blanket or run out of the room completely.

It was good to see Lisa Rinna on RHOBH.  I’ve really never been a fan of hers. I never disliked her, but was rather ambivalent.  When I think of Lisa Rinna I think of lips.  As it turns out she seems like a very sweet, good natured loving person with an adorable hairdo that’s always perfect.  The only thing about her is I’d like to tie her down and force feed her lard.

I haven’t watched soap operas since the 80s so I had no idea who Eileen Davidson was and I am still clueless about her husband even though I’m supposed to know who he is.  Eileen, like Lisa, seems like a really nice, caring, well grounded person.  She’s an Emmy award winning actress who works on two different soaps and appears to take care of her own children without a nanny or a multitude of servants. Yet, Kim called her a “beast.”

Lisa Vanderpump is by far the wealthiest housewife but this woman actually works and works hard.  Of course having the fanciest restaurants in LA doesn’t hurt and have you noticed they are always featured in other Bravo TV shows? Every Bravo reality star has dined at Sur, Villa Blanca, or Pump.  Lisa has a magnificent house complete with swans, a closet the size of Home Depot, stylists on demand, and an army of servants to attend to her every whim and constant cups of tea.  She is always starting new ventures and I don’t know how she finds the time or why she has the inclination to hang out with the likes of Kim, Kyle, or Brandi.  There are rumors she’s fed up and not going to return next season even though Bravo is bending over backwards to try to get her.

Then there’s my favorite housewife, Yolanda Foster.  This woman is the Dutch mother Theresa.  She always tries to see the good in everyone and make peace among the bickering brood.  Yolanda even put in the time and effort to try to turn Brandi into a respectable human being.  She and her husband raise millions of dollars for charity and while their home is enormous and her closet looks like Neiman Marcus, she seems grounded, centered, and surprisingly normal for someone with that kind of money.  Yolanda grew up poor on a farm in Holland and despite her wealth it’s obvious she’s never forgotten from where she came.  She grows her own vegetables and cooks dinner for her husband when I’m sure she has “people” that could do it for her.  I have the utmost respect and admiration for her.  There’s absolutely nothing anyone could possibly say about Yolanda that would be bad.  A successful model, both her daughters are having their own thriving modeling careers.

I’ve always thought living in Beverly Hills would be so fabulous but if this is a cross section of the population, I’ll pick another zip code.

Online Dating Decoded

The Internet has become the new bar scene. When I was young we went to bars and clubs to meet guys. Today you stay in your pajamas and reach for your modem and mouse. A woman alone in a bar says “I’m a hooker looking for a john.”

There are plenty of dating sites and you see commercials for them all the time on TV. There are also a bunch of “naughty” dating sites that you won’t ever see on TV. There’s a site for every fetish you can imagine, and ones that you can’t imagine.

But there are some things all dating sites have in common. To quote Gregory House from TV’s House, “everybody lies.” I have decoded online dating to make it easier for you to weed out the trash, and trust me, most of it is trash.

The first rule of thumb is women lie about their weight and men lie about their height. If he says he’s 6’ tall, you can count on his being 5’7”. My favorite was the guy who said he was 5’9” but looks 6’. Address: Delusional Island.

If he tells you he prefers a simple life what he really means is he’s dirt poor and you’ll be splitting the checks, if not picking up the whole thing. If he tells you he’ll be wearing a baseball hat so you can recognize him, the translation is he has no hair. If he tells you most women tell him he’s good looking you can bet that he’s a troll. When he finally sends you a picture you’ll run for cover. Trust me; always get a photo before committing to meeting him!

If he tells you he’s submissive, he’s either a sissy boy that literally wants to wear your panties or he’s really dominant and there’s nothing submissive about him at all. These by the way, are the most difficult of all men, especially if he happens to be a Libra.

There are certain games men play that I don’t understand. They email you, spend countless hours chatting you up on the phone and then don’t show up or call when you finally set a time and place to meet. You never hear from him again. Poof – gone. It’s like the mother ship came and beamed him back to his planet. I suspect these guys are married and looking to validate themselves by proving they can still get other women.

When you look at his “profile” and there are several questions he responds to with “prefer not to answer,” be suspicious. He’s hiding something and that something is obviously not good – especially when that something is the category of marital status. If he says he’s separated that usually indicates he’s separated in his mind and doesn’t have a problem screwing around while his wife is home taking care of the four kids he claims not to have.

The kinky websites are the best if you’re into meeting freaks. This is pure entertainment. There was one guy who said he just wanted to be a “pet.”   I kept asking him what he meant by that and he kept repeating that he wanted to be a “pet.” I asked if he would fetch me water and he got offended. I asked if I had to clean up after him as I already have two dogs, two cats and a horse. He told me he just wanted to sit around and be admired. Freak.

There are men that want to wear rubber. This is actually hot, in many ways. First, if he’s handsome and has a good body he will look spectacular; he’ll also be sweating like a pig. Some men like to be tied up and beaten. I’m a fan of this. Who wouldn’t want to take a paddle or whip to the backside of some jerk? I say bring it on.

The baby fetish really creeps me out. I don’t want a grown man in diapers. I don’t even want a baby in diapers. That’s why I never had kids. There are many other fetishes out there but they are not for the faint of heart. It is however, quite amusing.

When it comes to finding Mr. Right the Internet is probably not your best option. If you want to find Mr. Right Now, you might have a shot. You’d probably have better luck getting dolled up and hanging out at Home Depot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Stress is Going to Kill me

The stress is going to kill me and while Adrien (askblackwell@gmail.com) has been working on clearing my addition to chaos yet it seems to be waiting for me around every corner like a sniper waiting for Osama bin Laden.

It’s a beautiful spring day and I am off and thought “how wonderful!” How wrong I was.

It started with last night’s 8pm call from my accountant informing us we owe $20,000 in taxes. What the fuck? How? Why? Where am I getting that kind of money?  Not to worry. The IRS has a payment plan. We get to send them money every month for SEVEN years at 6% interest and there is a $255 charge to set up the payment plan. The best part is I have to have a check in the mail TODAY.  I sent my accountant my taxes two months ago and he waited till the eleventh hour to tell us this.  Is it because he had to wait a whole year to get paid from doing last year’s taxes? Ok off to the post office to wait in line with the dozens of others who waited till the last minute.  Mission accomplished.

IMG_2218Since it was a beautiful day I decided to take the dogs to the dog park.  This was one of the worst decisions of all time.  The collie refused to get in the car and while trying to shove him in the sheltie was trying to drag me into the next county.

Between pushing and shoving him kicking and screaming (both of us) I got him into the car. The sheltie jumped in and immediately went to the driver’s side.  I had to squeeze in before he could escape and he has to sit on my lap with his paws up on the window, making it impossible to turn.

I rolled down the windows on the left side of the car. Shortly thereafter I looked over my shoulder to find the collie had his head, paws, and half his body over the side of the car!  I was on a busy road, pulled over (while everyone honked and screamed at me) and tried to get out without the sheltie running out into the road.  I shoved that collie into the car, squeezed back in so the sheltie wouldn’t escape and promptly rolled up the windows.

I arrived at the dog park, which the dogs usually love and they had absolutely no interest whatsoever. Another dog appeared and mine ran to the metal gate to greet it. However, there was a slight gap between the gate and the post and the sheltie squizzled right through.  Apparently collies fold up really well because he followed suit and now I was chasing them around an open field.  Note, when dogs get off leash they also loose their hearing.  The same applies to husbands.

I finally captured them, standing on both leashes and got them close to the car.  The collie planted himself on the ground like a protester at a sit in about to be arrested and wouldn’t budge.  The sheltie was pulling and trying to drag me into the next century.  I finally shoved them both in the back seat, slammed the door, got in, made sure all windows were up and drove home.

So I come home for some peace and quiet and since it’s such a nice day the kids decide to play outside, sending my dogs into a barking frenzy. Why is it that kids can’t play without screaming their heads off?  I now have a blazing migraine and am ready to shoot both the kids and myself.

But the day is not over yet.

My garage door is broken and my Homeowners Association has been gunning for me for the past 20 years. They have harassed me, threatened me, and even sued me.  My next door neighbors replaced their garage door which only made my broken one more obvious. I knew my days were numbered.

The first contractor showed up speaking garage door speak.  Apparently buying a garage door is not simple.  It’s akin to asking a dog to do geometry.  Fortunately my husband was in the neighborhood, stopped by, and took over.  Husband also apparently speaks garage and the two hit it off.

Second garage door guy shows up but now I speak a little garage.  My husband pulls up at the same time. Mr. Garage Door is pulling out samples, talking all kinds of stuff and at this point I could not care less. I just want a fucking door.

By now I am so stressed out and my husband asks me what I made for dinner? Seriously? I looked at him with a death stare that results in his saying “pizza it is!”  He also asked if the dogs had been fed.  Really? I’ve been outside for the past two hours dealing with garage door guy number two.

The last time I was at the Dr. he said he had just written an article on how stress will kill you. He then looked at me and said “you are going to die.”

The migraine is getting worse.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

Social Media

Social media is something I’m still getting used to and have yet to really embrace.  Every time I think I know what’s out there someone mentions a new platform that I’ve never heard of. Who has the time to keep up with all this? I’m guessing it’s the pre -teens I see in the nail salon tapping away on their IPhone 6’s.  (I will do an entire piece on today’s generation of entitled brats getting their nails done at age 4 and getting their hair highlighted at 12.)  By the way, I have an IPhone 5s and the only reason I have it is because I shattered the screen on my IPhone 4.  I have since bought a life proof case so I imagine I will have the 5s till the day I die even though the 32GB are completely used up.  My husband has the original Galaxy and only uses it for talk and text. He refuses to install apps or use any of the features except occasionally the camera.  When I was in Europe for two weeks he refused to install anything that would enable us to communicate besides email.  Honestly I think he just wanted some peace and quiet for a while.  He was actually disappointed that when he needed a new phone that he couldn’t get the old style flip phone.

I do love my phone. I talk to Siri all the time.  I use all the functions I can. I tell her to set my alarm.  I ask her the weather. My husband says “don’t you feel stupid talking to your phone?”  Absolutely not.  The one day I forgot my phone at home I spent the day at work feeling like my right arm was missing.  I have apps for everything including where the cheapest gas can be bought and how far away that station is from my current location.

Facebook I understand – it’s basically a way to make your life look perfect and make others feel badly at the reality of their life while looking at the perfection of yours.  Of course, everybody lies and only puts out the Abraham Hicks version of “reality.”  The only good thing I’ve found about Facebook is that it’s enabled me to connect with long lost friends and play silly games that keep me from doing necessary things like laundry, cleaning the house, and feeding the dogs.  I admit I have a certain distain for a certain crop stealing rabbit in Farm Heroes Saga. Every time I see that smug little bugger I want to slap the shit out of my computer screen.  I’ve deactivated my FB account many times but keep going back.  There’s the addiction to chaos again.  Adrien Blackwell are you listening?

Twitter I just don’t understand at all.  I know it is useful for business dealings and was originally started as a way for celebrities to keep in touch with their fans.  I am proud to say I have never tweeted and have no clue what re-tweeting is.  I just don’t get Twitter at all.

Then there’s Instagram.  From what I can gather this is Twitter for people who can’t read. I have no idea what it’s used for, how to use it, and I couldn’t care less. Yet I just discovered I am on there and have 111 followers! I have no idea how this happened and still have no idea how to use it.

I know there are more but I really don’t want to know.  This is  like my parents who didn’t want answering machines, a Betamax, a computer, or a cell phone.  My father died at age 92 without having any of the above.  My 89 year old mother has a flip cell phone only used when she’s in the hospital and an IPad safely tucked away in a closet.  I tried to show her how to face time with me but it fell on deaf ears and truth be told I’m kind of relieved.

Then there’s my biggest pet peeve – hashtags.  I find them completely obnoxious but if you’re in your twenties nothing can be said without a million hashtags.  Anyone who uses hashtags for ANY reason has to watch the Jimmy Fallon/Justin Timberlake video on how stupid you sound using hashtags.  It’s absolutely hysterical and if you continue to use hashtags after you’ve watched it, well, you’re an idiot.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57dzaMaouXA

I suppose eventually I will have to embrace more social media outlets but I’m very adept at putting off things I need to do. If you need evidence of this come to my house and bring some dust rags.

 

Bravo TV

Guilty pleasure: Bravo TV.  I’ve become addicted to Bravo’s reality shows.  This has made me realize that I am addicted to chaos and drama.  That might be why I’m also a fan of Survivor because it’s so Machiavellian in scope.

Of course my favorite shows are the Real Housewives because in reality these shows should be called the Unreal Housewives of Wherever.  I find these people utterly obnoxious, fascinating, and often bat shit crazy.

I don’t watch all of them, just Beverly Hills, OC, NY, and NJ.  We’ll get to Southern Charm later.

If I had to spend the day with any of the housewives it would be Yolanda Foster. She is the only one that appears real, grounded, and normal even though she’s worth a zillion dollars.  Kandi from Atlanta would probably be my second choice.  Watching the housewives in Atlanta I’ve learned a whole new language. I now know how to throw shade, spill tea, and read someone.

All these housewives have more money than God and love to show it off.  Lisa Vanderpump’s closet could house a small country.  Granted, she seems to work quite hard for her money.  They all love to show off their private jets. Despite all their money these housewives do nothing but complain, bicker, and go at each other like pit bulls fighting over a steak. That is except Yolanda who is doing yoga and her master cleanse.   With considerably less than half their money I’d be off riding my horses and traveling, not fighting with “friends” which leads me to the question of why are they  friends in the first place?

Heather Paige Kent Dubrow is one of the most condescending people I’ve ever witnessed. She’s a B list actress at best who resurrected her career through the RHOOC.  I have, however, learned some great new vocabulary words from her.  The most obnoxious thing is that she has a family of 6 and her 50,000 square foot house wasn’t big enough so they sold it for $16,000,000 and are building a 70,000 square foot home.  I’m not sure of the exact dimensions but I’m pretty sure it’s the equivalent of living in a Home Depot.  Keep in mind Mark Cuban is a billionaire with a family of 5 and lives in a 24,000 square foot house.

Brandi from Beverly Hills has parlayed her 15 minutes of drunken f-bombing fame into several book deals and a podcast and various others have managed to create businesses they never would have been able to just from their exposure on these shows.  Not to mention Bravo pays a hefty fee to these women.  Some, like Lisa Vanderpump get insane amounts per episode. I think I read somewhere she gets 500K per episode.

Oddly enough watching these crazy millionaires makes me feel a whole lot better about my modest life.  The biggest fights I have are trying to get my husband to stop smoking in the powder room.

Southern Charm – who thought these bunch of slackers with accents deserve any attention?  It’s like watching a train wreck that you can’t look away from.  You have a 50 something convicted felon who knocked up a 21 year old who then decided it would be a good idea to run for the US Senate.  Why not just set your money on fire?  Of course the 21 year old is kept hidden far away on the plantation.  The rest of them seem completely mindless, content to just live off their trust funds. Better yet, be a 40 year old guy and stay at home with mom who eats breakfast in bed while wearing a fur-trimmed bed jacket.  I will say Cameron is cute and at least is attempting a career even though she married a Dr.  There’s also a guy who went to law school, won’t study for the bar exam, doesn’t show up to work till his boss calls him and does some modeling cause he thinks it’s fun to be pretty and have his picture taken.

I’ve tried to stop watching this stuff, I really have; but, since Two and a Half Men went off the air and I’ve memorized all the episodes there’s really nothing to watch until the next season of Project Runway.

Note to self: keep working on clearing addiction to chaos. Must call Adrien Blackwell ASAP.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com