Erica on the Edge - Page 2 of 4 - Rants, Raves, Opinions, and More!

Freedom from your haunting past

Being stuck in the past keeps you from moving forward. Now, I’ve known this concept for a long time but remain stuck in my past, reminiscing and wishing for my old life. It’s like reading the same book over and over again and wanting a different ending. It doesn’t happen. What happens, at least for me, is a life of sadness, frustration, depression, and withdrawal.

This morning I awoke (grateful for a day off after working non stop at a job that is not my chosen profession) anxiety stricken – homesick for my abundant life of horses, travel, and freedom! To me, money equals freedom and I had plenty of money, didn’t have to work, rode my horses, traveled the world with my husband, and just enjoyed life. That is until the real estate market crashed and so did my world. Since 2008 I’ve barely survived. Many times I just wanted to die. This morning was one of those times.

I have chanted, read Law of Attraction books, tried GG codes, astrologers, conscious creation, theta healing, casting spells, and just about anything I could think of because I had decided enough was enough! I wanted to be well, happy, and fulfilled again. Facebook was killing me with all the photos of people I knew – all at horse shows or on vacation. That used to be ME! I want that again! So there I was revisiting that same chapter, rereading the same book hoping for another outcome.

I know my financial situation can turn in a heartbeat but I’m not patient. I want that NOW! So my focusing on the wanting only results in more wanting. I pretended for a long time (Neville Goddard style) that I was a millionaire again living the life I wanted. But I was also told every manifestation happens at the appointed hour. WTF? Do I have to be 90 for the appointed hour? The Law of Attraction says when you’re frequency lines up with what you want you get it. No one ever really says how you match that frequency. Abraham Hicks says just get happy. Others say it’s gratitude for what you do have so the universe will give you more things to be grateful for.

I have had some success with this. I’ve given some money to charities and received unexpected monies and refunds from companies. My relationship with my husband has improved tremendously to where he now goes out of his way (and he’s exhausted) to suggest things to do together on Sundays.

When total money anxiety sets in I have to stop myself. I have to say that right now, in this very second all my bills are paid. I cannot worry about the future and believe me I’m the queen of worry and planning ahead. Funny that I actually got a Masters Degree in Planning!

I’ve reached out to my friends from the past – horsey friends and they have ignored me although I have seen they have read my messages. I take everything personally. What had I done to make them dislike me? I spent hours crying today over the past. Well there we go again, stuck in the past.

I forced myself out of bed, cleaned the bathroom, walked both dogs, brushed one, played some Facebook games and took to my bed saying “I am FREE” over and over and over because to me money is freedom. So it was suggested to me that instead of focusing on money, I focus on the feeling of freedom – kind of going in the back door for manifesting money. I really like that idea.

I have to look to the future – not be stuck in the past. It’s hard, very hard to monitor every word and thought and not punish myself for the mistake I made that put me in this situation.

I am grateful for my home, the fact I have a job, my husband, my dogs, the money I DO have in the bank, my teeth are being fixed, I have friends who do let me ride occasionally, I have a great brother and sister, my mother has helped me, I have a car, I have a cell phone, I have clothes, I have shoes, I have a lot more than most. I have to learn what I can from the past and realize that whatever happened happened for a reaon but being stuck in the past will never move me forward to where I want to be.

This is a tough road but I’m not giving up. I know I can do this! I just want it NOW.

Forgiveness sets you free

Forgiveness sets you free. I really have a problem with forgiving someone who has wronged me or hurt me because to me forgiving them meant I was telling that person it was OK what they did to me. Since it was clearly not OK what they did, I was not forgiving – at all, period.

What I realized that my lack of forgiveness was actually hurting myself. Someone (ok it was Adrien Blackwell the amazing theta healer I’m always talking about) said holding onto the anger, hurt, resentment, etc. was like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When I heard this light bulbs immediately went off. The statement is spot on.

I got Adrien’s healing audio on forgiveness and it was the best money I ever spent. When I listened to it the first time she asked who is the first person you need to forgive? The immediate answer that popped into my head was MYSELF!

I was a millionaire. I had a Ferrari, horses, a life of travel, wintering in Florida, and the luxury to do whatever I wanted. Then I lost ALL of it. People mocked me. How could you loose $3 million they would say. My husband hounded me about it. I felt guilty and have been suffering and struggling financially since 2008 with no hope in sight and constantly having to ask my family for help.

I had a dear friend who hurt me terribly. I’d never gotten over it. I would forget it for a while but it would always come back to haunt me and leave me in tears. Over the 25 years I’ve been with my husband, his words and actions would hurt me. My parents, especially my mother, did unconscionable things to me. Other friends have hurt me too. All of this was eating a hole in my soul because forgiveness was not an option.

The first time I listened to the audio I woke up feeling sad and curled up like a cocktail shrimp and felt it was an epic fail; but, then I listened again.

I woke up feeling like I’d been poisoned. I felt toxic to the point where I knew I had to get it out of my body so I went for a massage and then treated myself to a pedicure.

The next morning I woke up feeling like a billion ton brick had been lifted from my shoulders! I felt FREE and liberated and happy.

I thought about the dear friend who has brought me to tears for years and she didn’t matter. I thought about the money I lost and thought, eh, I’ll get it back soon enough. A guy whose very name would set me on edge for days actually walked into my office and it didn’t phase me one bit.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean it’s ok what they did to you; but it does set you free.

That freedom gives you the power to manifest the life you truly want by letting go of everything that’s holding you back.

Being Grateful in the Face of Adversity

My quest for a new life through the Law of Attraction (LOA) has led me to turning tragedy into gratitude. I have learned this by finally realizing what you worry about, fear, think about, you bring into your reality.

Lately I’ve been slammed with unexpected bills, sick animals, broken glasses, car trouble, and more. My first reaction was OMG how am I going to pay for this! I can’t afford it! What am I going to do? My first realization was that my car is 10 years old and that I’ve been fretting about it breaking down and afraid to drive it long distances, etc. Sure enough, I was an hour and a half away from home when not only did my fan belt shred but the entire pulley assembly was gone as well. $340 and stranded in South Jersey. This week an entire tire flew off the rim while I was driving and resulted in $800. I then realized I MANIFESTED THIS SHIT!

My wonderful theta healer Adrien Blackwell (contact her immediately, just trust me askblackwell@gmail.com) has moved mountains for me with her amazing talents and one of them was gratitude. I started to flip all my tragedies to gratitude. I was so thankful my tire thing didn’t happen on the highway or I would have been dead. I was grateful for AAA coming to put the spare on. I was even more grateful that my husband was off that day, came and got the car and gifted me 4 new tires! By the way, this is not like him.

Our very expensive imported collie got very sick. I took him to the vet today and found there were some serious problems. I was grateful that I had a coupon for a free exam which saved me $62. I donated to the local animal shelter while I was there. I was grateful they are able to treat him; but, we aren’t 100% sure what’s going on. I was even more grateful that my husband put it on his credit card.

My airline debacle that cost me $900. I was furious with United Airlines and have been trying to get some of the money back but I was grateful they were able to sort it out and get me where I needed to be. I was grateful I had a credit card to put it on. While I was out of town I gave a ministry a few bucks on a street corner and then won $5 on a $2 lottery scratch off.

I’ve been wanting new glasses for a while but they are so expensive because of my Rx and usually run me $900 a pair. Mine were heavy and killing my nose. My dog ate them off my nightstand. I was furious. I was panicked. The only other pair I had were two prescriptions old. I was then grateful that I had them. I was even more grateful that I found a place that could get the exact glasses I wanted in three days for $750 and I had a credit card with that much availability. I need a second pair and they offered me $100 off lenses when I’m ready to buy them. I realized I manifested the glasses too. It was just the bridge of events that really sucked, but I flipped it.

I have learned (the hard way) that the more grateful you are, the more you get to be grateful for. The LOA does work. So now I am grateful for everything and when I go to sleep at night I say over and over thank you for all my blessings.

Two psychics, whom I did not solicit, told me my money worries would be over this summer. I am so grateful for the money! I have chosen to live as though it’s already arrived in my bank account. That doesn’t mean I’ve gone on spending sprees, except what I had to buy but I just believe that I can if I want to.

I have been grateful for everything lately – even when the situation sucked. I don’t want to work anymore and spend my days riding horses and cooking like I used to but instead I’ve chosen to be grateful for the job I have.

Practicing gratitude is just that – practice and more practice. I have to monitor every word and thought and anything negative I have to immediately flip to positive.

No matter how dire the situation seems you can always find something to be grateful for about it if you try hard enough.

New Braces – More Torture

My new braces continue to torture and torment me.

You’ve all read by now (or at least you should have) my experience with the palate expander and getting my lower braces on.

I went back to the orthodontist yesterday because the wire came out of the end bracket and one of the screws got stuck on the palate expander when I tried to widen it again. This torture device continued to rip the crap out of my mouth and tongue and cause excruciating pain to my molars from the evil hooks on the side. The only benefit was the weight loss from not being able to eat.

My appointment was actually a week earlier than it was supposed to be and when I arrived the doctor was amazed at how much my jaw and teeth had moved. He took the expander out and said “throw this thing away!” What? The last time I was there he said I had another 8- 10 weeks to go. I was beyond excited. He actually said I was “over expanded;” but, that was not a bad thing.

When he took the wire out to replace it I begged him to let me floss my teeth. OMG I was in floss heaven. I am a flossing fanatic and flossing with braces is next to impossible. You have to take a piece of floss with a plastic end and thread it through each tooth separately and try to floss and good luck removing the floss because it’s not only shredded to bits but it’s stuck on the brackets. Be sure to have a washcloth handy cause you’ll be drooling like a toddler. So it was pure nirvana being able to floss now that the wire was off. I was beyond happy. Who knew flossing my teeth could bring such joy?

I had bought a Water Pik to aid in this flossing, which resulted in swollen and bleeding gums. Apparently it’s not the panacea it’s supposed to be. According to the hygienist it forces the plaque under the gum line resulting in swelling, bleeding, and a multitude of other problems. Ok, another $40 down the drain.

He then asked if I was ready for my upper braces. HUH? Um, I guess so. So as the hygienist was applying the glue and brackets the Dr. walked by and laughed and said “I can’t wait to see you with a mouth full of metal.” I told him he sounded just like my husband. He asked if that was a good thing and I said it depends on the day. He asked how long I’d been married and I told him 20 years. He said “well I guess then that’s a good thing.” Again my response was “it depends on the day.”

I left the office, giving him another $1500. In about an hour my teeth were throbbing. Three Motrin later, I had no relief. I thought I was going to die. I was starving and eating was NOT an option.

Today I had an all day meeting right by the dentist’s office so I spent last night in a hotel. This hotel was beyond scary. While looking for the lobby I saw a half naked guy who appeared drunk or on drugs staggering about. The first room had no lock on the door and the TV didn’t work. They switched my room to one where the light didn’t work but the lock did and so did the TV. At that point I was fine with it. Being completely tortured by my teeth I tried to distract myself with the Real Housewives of New York while praying for a quick and painless death.

This morning I stopped on the way to the meeting for coffee and a muffin. Who knew a muffin could be hard to eat? For lunch I ordered a salad – forget about it. I came home to some cooked salmon – flaky and soft and each bite sent my head spinning like a dreidel.

It’s back to yogurt and pudding and maybe I’ll start drinking. The upside? I should have a rocking bikini body by mid-July! Hopefully I’ll also have perfect teeth before the end of the year.

The dentist is begging for reviews on Yelp. I will reserve mine till the end result.

Let him sweat for a while.

United Airlines – Trip from Hell

Continental was a great Airline; then it merged with United and became a nightmare beyond belief.

First they said they kept the name United instead of Continental because it was more recognizable. Gee, why is that? What marketing genius thought making people think about those United Airlines 911 planes every time they board a flight was a good idea? Idiots.

Flight attendants are surly at best. There is NO entertainment on board on 2.5 hour flights so you better bring a book or Ipad or something to entertain yourself. You can’t even get a Sky Mall catalog on board. Food on United Airlines is limited to “snack boxes” at a whopping $8.99 for three bites of food.

Then there’s United Airlines customer service – it no longer exists.

So let me tell you my latest United Airlines experience.

Every three months I fly from Newark to West Palm Beach to see a neurologist. I book these trips online but because the United Airlines website saves your last search, the trip got booked backwards. When I got to the airport in Newark I found out I was booked on a flight in West Palm! I went to three “agents” and told to call an 800 number.

After 26 minutes on hold I got an agent who barely spoke English. (I have since been told directly by UNITED AIRLINES that it’s cheaper to outsource these things to India). The guy told me I could change my flight for $200 which would be refunded if I went to their website but then there would be another $393 additional charge for the change in the cost of the flight from when I booked it in April. He then told me to cancel the ticket and for $75 I could go standby on any flight. I asked again. “You mean I don’t ever need a ticket? I can just go to the airport any time I want and fly standby for $75?” When he said yes I knew I was in trouble.

I approached ANOTHER gate person. I had to get to Florida. She charged me $586.20 on top of the $247 I had originally paid which brings the ticket up to $833. I’m guessing I could have flown to China for that price. I had no choice. I handed them my Amex and waited four hours for the flight, extremely determined to reach customer service. This means I basically paid full fare for the ticket and the original ticket wasn’t used at all.

Upon landing I spoke with a gate agent who told me there is no customer service and to go to the website and fill out a feedback form or post on Twitter.

I took to Twitter like white on rice and started hounding them. They wanted an explanation in the 26 characters Twitter gives you. Then they started insulting me, called me trashy and asked why I was going to West Palm Beach. What business is it of theirs where I go and why?

I was then instructed to call United Airlines and request to speak to a supervisor. Again I was connected to a woman in India (after another half hour on hold) who flatly refused to let me speak to a supervisor. After my ranting and raving she finally transferred me to the refund department. They were closed and I was disconnected.

I even went so far as to call United Airlines corporate headquarters where of course no one answered the phone. I am ready to take this to the CEO.

Living in NJ I’m pretty much a prisoner of United Airlines if I want to fly out of Newark non-stop. Occasionally Jet Blue will have a flight. At least Jet Blue gives you free TV and a snack.

During the flight a man passed out and they asked if an EMT was on board. I am an EMT and went to help the man who was in obvious distress and I was contemplating having them land the plane as it was a cardiac issue. For my efforts I was given two free mini bottles of Vodka.

In retrospect each of those bottles cost me more than $400.

I will persist, so United Airlines you can insult me all you want but I’m not giving up!

Facebook – Lots of Reasons to Hate it

I hate Facebook for lots of reasons. I’ve touched briefly on this in a previous post. May times I’ve deactivated and reactivated my Facebook account; but, this time I think I’m really gone for good. I’ve never been happier since I got rid of it.

First of all, Facebook is designed to make you feel really bad about your life. People post the most wonderful things – their loving relationships, fabulous meals (do I really care what you’re eating?), their new horses, babies, cars, and everything else to make you feel inferior.

I was talking with a friend of mine who is a sociology professor and she said Facebook has a particularly negative effect on teens who feel really bad about themselves and their lives when they look at what their friends post.

The one good thing about Facebook is it helped me reconnect with long lost friends, but now that I have their phone numbers Facebook is a non-issue.

Facebook is scary – you’re being watched. Try googling something – anything…try a carpet steamer. The next time you login, Facebook will pop up with a multitude of carpet steamer ads. Facebook is also notorious for viruses and invasive spyware. My computer guy tells me Facebook is the number one cause for most computer issues he sees.

Facebook was originally designed for the college crowd; but according to my professor friend it’s being used mostly by adults to re-connect with old buddies. I did, however, meet some really cool people and also got annoyed by a lot of really annoying people. There are some pretty good Facebook groups to join in order to “hang out” with like-minded people. I miss that part of it.

I have moved on to Twitter, which I previously eschewed. While originally intended for fans to connect with their favorite celebs, it has morphed into the best way to promote your business and get your information out there. I’m hoping it leads to more people reading and enjoying my blog.

I looked into Instagram – Twitter for people who can’t read. I found I actually have an account and 111 followers. I have absolutely no recollection of starting this account or how to use it. It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

There are other social media platforms out there and I’m certain new ones will keep popping up. I’m clueless about them and will have to investigate them at some point.

I have a LinkedIn account but it’s the free version. I’ve been told that’s the best way to get connected to people in your field and get a new job. I haven’t had any success with it so far. Anyone looking for a writer/editor/publicist with more than 30 years of experience?

For now I’ll stick with Twitter which is actually user friendly once you get the hang of it.

New Braces – torture and weight loss

Today I got my new braces – the latest in torture and weight loss. It wasn’t bad enough that I still have the palate expander (see previous post on that) which resulted in an 8 pound weight loss in three weeks, but now the braces on my lower teeth will mean nothing more than pudding or yogurt for God knows how long.

The procedure was easy – some brackets with rubber bands, a wire, a couple snips, a couple of adjustments – simple. I was told my mouth would get callouses where the braces rub against my lips. Swell. Oh and I was told I’d be experiencing pain in the next couple of hours. They sent me home with a giant envelope of instructions, wax, floss threaders (not happening unless I have a whole weekend to devote to it), tiny brushes for getting in between and around the brackets, and a long list of what not to eat: basically everything.

I drove home from the orthodontist feeling like I had a mouth full of stuff, well, because I do! I stopped at a convenience store for a soft chocolate chip cookie, broke off a small piece and attempted to eat it. Nope, not happening.

I came home to my wonderful husband making a big bowl of tuna salad as he thought it would be nice and soft for me to eat. I was exhausted and opted for a nap.

By the time I woke up and fed my dogs it was past 6pm and I hadn’t eaten in over 24 hours. I tried a few spoonfuls of the tuna and that was good. Then the biggest mistake ever! I took out a small roll, cut it in half and attempted to make a very small sandwich. The first bite sent me into Defcon 5 pain with my head nearly exploding. Ok, moving on. He also bought some very soft cookies so I tried one of those. I was able to eat that with no problem; but, it got completely squished and entangled in the braces. I tried my sonic toothbrush, water pik, rinsing my mouth, and the little tiny brushes they sent me home with to slide up under the wires. I got most of it out but there’s still a piece in the front that I think will be there until the braces come off. Thankfully that piece is white. From now on I will have to carry a toothbrush, toothpaste, and the tiny brushes wherever I go. Luckily, I have a large purse.

By the way, the braces themselves are gold with a silver wire.

It’s one thing to have braces when you’re a kid because people expect kids to have braces. It’s an entirely different animal when you’re a middle aged woman with a job. It’s embarrassing, impossible to speak or eat, and just a general nightmare. Can invoke the Family Leave Act for braces?

The only upside to this is the orthodontist said I’d probably be done in six months, instead of the 12-14 months he originally thought. I told him if I’m done in half the time, shouldn’t the bill be lowered? He didn’t appreciate that comment at all. While he’s good at his job, warm and fuzzy he is not.

At checkout, where I had to fork over another $1500 (he’s gotten $2000 so far) and told they don’t take American Express, I again asked about the price. My theory is six months of fewer visits, less work for him, and in my world fewer hours means less pay. The woman in charge of the money is his wife (imagine that!) and she went to talk to him and then said if I indeed finish that early, they would adjust the price.

I have to go back in two weeks and in the meantime keep widening the palate expander. Eventually the upper braces will go on. It’s my hope that when the palate expander comes out and the upper braces go on, things will get better.

With my full gold grill I’m going to have to embrace my rapper skills and I’m a pasty white girl.

Abby Lee Miller goes to Australia

Dance Mom’s Abby Lee Miller has now taken her elite competition team to Australia….sort of. It seems that Abby isn’t satisfied with spreading her evil ways across the US (from PA to LA) but is now in Australia; however, she only invited her four faves: Maddie, Kenzie, Kendall, and Kalani. Not wanting to be left out of the trip Down Under, Nia and JoJo and their moms tagged along.

The girls were invited to perform at the Astra Awards, Australia’s version of the Emmys. During the performance, superstar Maddie fell out of a turn which ultimately sent her running into the bathroom in tears. Abby didn’t say a word. What happened to “save your tears for your pillow?” Had it been anyone else that fell out of a turn during a performance Abby would have gone ballistic and probably pulled their solos for six months while screaming and yelling like a banshee.

How much money are the dance moms spending to spend three weeks in Australia? I’m also not sure why they are there as the next stop was a performance in Melbourne. It looked like a performance of one dance. Perhaps the US is tired of Abby Lee Miller and her antics and the land of Oz was the farthest away she could get? Rumor has it that the Australian dance community wasn’t too happy about her being there. Abby’s response to that was “any press is good press if they spell your name right.”

The trip began with Abby losing her passport, driver’s license, and credit cards on her way to the airport; but the girls and moms were already in Australia. How she managed to get it all sorted and get there in two days remains a mystery. I had my wallet stolen and it took weeks to get all new documents.

So the fabulous four are on tour but Nia and JoJo’s mom’s weren’t about to let their kids be left out! Holly hired a celebrity entourage to stage a live performance for Nia in Melbourne. How much money does this woman have? She flew in a stylist, makeup artist, producer, etc. and hired the “best back up dancers” in Australia. She felt bad that JoJo was left out in the cold so she let JoJo be a part of the performance and scheduled it the same day Abby’s girls were performing. The other moms put in an appearance but the fab four were absent.

I was shocked to see the giant stage, complete with a large screen and the tons of people that showed up to see Nia perform. The chants of NIA NIA NIA would make you think Beyoncé was on stage. One song – probably cost a zillion dollars and Holly thinks this is going to skyrocket her kid to stardom in the US. I’m not too sure about this. Holly might be living on delusional island.

I believe Abby and the dance moms are now headed back to LA. It amazes me that these women are willing to leave their husbands and other children in Pittsburgh to follow the evil Abby to California. I think the siblings are going to have severe abandonment issues when they grow up. Do these kids go to school? I know Maddie and Kenzie are home schooled, which is a little scary if you ask me. The evil genius that she is, Abby really has these mothers believing all their kids are going to be the next Brittany Spears. I’m curious to see how many of them end up as screwed up as Brittany.

I’m sure they’ll need years of therapy just to recover from Abby. The dance moms could already use a lot of therapy, especially Jill. I thought she had learned to keep her mouth shut? Apparently that’s just with Abby because she just loves to stir the pot with the other mothers.

I can’t wait to see what Abby Lee Miller has in store next. Again, another train wreck I can’t look away from.

Bravo Shows Ending. What to do now?

So I’ve admitted to being addicted to reality TV, especially Bravo but now two of my favorite Bravo TV shows are ending their seasons and the rest have already ended, leading me to wonder what am I going to watch this summer?

First Bravo ended the Real Housewives of Atlanta and now we’re onto Kandi’s ski trip which is the most dysfunctional, ungrateful group of people on Earth. Kandi is kind enough to take these relatives and friends on an incredible holiday and all they do is bitch and complain. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to her mother and the aunts are even worse!

Shas of Sunset has only one episode left and then the reunion. Why does Bravo film so few episodes of these fun loving, wild, and whacky characters? I feel like Reza and Asa have become friends and now they are leaving me! Every Monday I look forward to spending an hour with the Persian Pop Priestess and Gay Gandhi. There go my rejection and abandonment issues again.

While I find Bravo’s Southern Charm to be useless it is literally a train wreck I can’t stop watching. The disappointing season finale was last night. I find these people really annoying, except for Cameron who is the only one who seems to have her shit together. I can’t figure out why she hangs out with the rest of them. Thomas Ravenel gives me the creeps and he’s a total moron. What 50-something convicted felon, knocks up a 21 year old to begin with, let alone leaves her in the lurch? Then he thinks it’s a great idea to run for the US Senate, as an independent no less. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Why not just set your money on fire? His baby mamma has had to move back in with her parents and it doesn’t appear that Thomas is planning on supporting either one of them, despite his pledge to her that he would always take care of both of them. Yes, he’s a pig and a creepy one at that. The fact that he dumped her on Facebook leaves me speechless. Asshat.

Even Survivor is over! Jeff Probst has the best job in the world. He most likely works about two hours a day during production and spends the rest of the time sipping cocktails at a five star resort right near camp, while raking in a small fortune. I’ve been told the contestants can actually smell the food from the resort. Now THAT’S really cruel. Probst also looks fantastic. He’s in his 50s and showed off his ripped physique during a couple of episodes of Two and a Half Men, another show that sadly ended this year. Even Bones is ending in another couple episodes and it is uncertain if the show will be renewed.

This basically leaves me with Million Dollar Listing, which I really like but I never remember when it’s on. Bravo is about to start the Real Housewives of Orange County so that’s a little relief. I have no use at all for the RHONY except for the Countess who appears to be the only one with her head on straight.

I’m aching for a new season of Project Runway and Tim Gunn, even though it’s not on Bravo.

Maybe this is the Universe’s way of telling me I need to start reading again.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

Palate Expander = Torture Device

Welcome to having a palate expander, a torture device undoubtedly invented by the Scots. I’m sure this was used in Scottish prisons in the middle ages and I swear saw it in a museum in Edinburgh.

The purpose of this device is to expand your upper jaw, thereby avoiding jaw surgery. When combined with braces, this is supposed to produce a fabulous smile, correct bite, and fix a multitude of problems … that is IF you can stand having it in your mouth!

The palate expander looks like a metal spider but far more Machiavellian in scope. It has two little keyholes in the middle and every week you turn the screws to make it wider, supposedly widening your upper jaw. Orthodontists call it an “appliance,” I call it sheer torture. The only upside is my inability to eat and the resultant weight loss.

The first thing that happens is the orthodontist fits the palate expander in your mouth and makes sure the little wire arms on the sides firmly grip the molars. Um, ouch. It doesn’t fit flush to the roof of your mouth so now you have this “thing” in your mouth making it virtually impossible to speak. The doctor says in the beginning your mouth thinks it’s food so to expect more saliva. Now I am drooling, talking like I have a severe speech impediment or am mentally challenged. This does not bode well for speaking to clients or anyone else at work who keep looking at me very strangely.

The slit, which gets wider as you turn the screws shreds the crap out of your tongue. The remedy for this is strips of orthodontic wax. The theory is you press the wax over the gaps and screws and it makes it more comfortable … not. Also, as the day goes on the wax mysteriously disappears which leads me to believe I have ingested enough wax to have formed a candle in my stomach. I went through half a box of wax in one day and called for more. I now have a box of wax in all locations: desk, purse, glove compartment, nightstand, bathroom sink, and live in fear that I might be caught somewhere without it. You thought Linus was attached to his blanket? I clutch my wax like it’s the Holy Grail.

Eating with a palate expander is darn near impossible because honestly it’s just not worth it. It hurts to eat a potato chip. Pudding is good but since it doesn’t sit flush to the roof of your mouth EVERYTHING goes up underneath it and I have a nasty burn mark the entire outline of it from trying to eat a cheesesteak with a fork. Also what doesn’t get stuck inside it gets stuck on the metal hooks. After eating you’re supposed to brush it; but seriously, who runs around with a toothbrush? So I rinse it off then try to rinse my teeth which are caked with food.

The first day it took me an hour to eat 1/2 a slice of pizza when I decided it just couldn’t be done. I’d rather be hungry. That’s my new philosophy. Hunger = less pain.

Today I forgot to bring food to work and someone gifted me a burger and fries. I nibbled on the fries – not too terrible. Then I took a bite of the burger. The bread squished up and through the “thing” and my molars screamed with pain when I tried to chew. I never knew teeth could throb.

The happiest part of my day is the 15 minutes I get to soak it in denture cleaner, and yes, buying denture cleaner was a little embarrassing.

I get to turn the screws two more times before lower braces go on. I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate this for a year because the discomfort is getting worse, not better. “You’ll get used to it,” they keep saying. I think they are lying. No, I KNOW they are lying. The best part is I’m paying $7800 to be tortured. Couldn’t I just take dance lessons with Abby Lee Miller instead?