The Stress is Going to Kill me

The stress is going to kill me and while Adrien (askblackwell@gmail.com) has been working on clearing my addition to chaos yet it seems to be waiting for me around every corner like a sniper waiting for Osama bin Laden.

It’s a beautiful spring day and I am off and thought “how wonderful!” How wrong I was.

It started with last night’s 8pm call from my accountant informing us we owe $20,000 in taxes. What the fuck? How? Why? Where am I getting that kind of money?  Not to worry. The IRS has a payment plan. We get to send them money every month for SEVEN years at 6% interest and there is a $255 charge to set up the payment plan. The best part is I have to have a check in the mail TODAY.  I sent my accountant my taxes two months ago and he waited till the eleventh hour to tell us this.  Is it because he had to wait a whole year to get paid from doing last year’s taxes? Ok off to the post office to wait in line with the dozens of others who waited till the last minute.  Mission accomplished.

IMG_2218Since it was a beautiful day I decided to take the dogs to the dog park.  This was one of the worst decisions of all time.  The collie refused to get in the car and while trying to shove him in the sheltie was trying to drag me into the next county.

Between pushing and shoving him kicking and screaming (both of us) I got him into the car. The sheltie jumped in and immediately went to the driver’s side.  I had to squeeze in before he could escape and he has to sit on my lap with his paws up on the window, making it impossible to turn.

I rolled down the windows on the left side of the car. Shortly thereafter I looked over my shoulder to find the collie had his head, paws, and half his body over the side of the car!  I was on a busy road, pulled over (while everyone honked and screamed at me) and tried to get out without the sheltie running out into the road.  I shoved that collie into the car, squeezed back in so the sheltie wouldn’t escape and promptly rolled up the windows.

I arrived at the dog park, which the dogs usually love and they had absolutely no interest whatsoever. Another dog appeared and mine ran to the metal gate to greet it. However, there was a slight gap between the gate and the post and the sheltie squizzled right through.  Apparently collies fold up really well because he followed suit and now I was chasing them around an open field.  Note, when dogs get off leash they also loose their hearing.  The same applies to husbands.

I finally captured them, standing on both leashes and got them close to the car.  The collie planted himself on the ground like a protester at a sit in about to be arrested and wouldn’t budge.  The sheltie was pulling and trying to drag me into the next century.  I finally shoved them both in the back seat, slammed the door, got in, made sure all windows were up and drove home.

So I come home for some peace and quiet and since it’s such a nice day the kids decide to play outside, sending my dogs into a barking frenzy. Why is it that kids can’t play without screaming their heads off?  I now have a blazing migraine and am ready to shoot both the kids and myself.

But the day is not over yet.

My garage door is broken and my Homeowners Association has been gunning for me for the past 20 years. They have harassed me, threatened me, and even sued me.  My next door neighbors replaced their garage door which only made my broken one more obvious. I knew my days were numbered.

The first contractor showed up speaking garage door speak.  Apparently buying a garage door is not simple.  It’s akin to asking a dog to do geometry.  Fortunately my husband was in the neighborhood, stopped by, and took over.  Husband also apparently speaks garage and the two hit it off.

Second garage door guy shows up but now I speak a little garage.  My husband pulls up at the same time. Mr. Garage Door is pulling out samples, talking all kinds of stuff and at this point I could not care less. I just want a fucking door.

By now I am so stressed out and my husband asks me what I made for dinner? Seriously? I looked at him with a death stare that results in his saying “pizza it is!”  He also asked if the dogs had been fed.  Really? I’ve been outside for the past two hours dealing with garage door guy number two.

The last time I was at the Dr. he said he had just written an article on how stress will kill you. He then looked at me and said “you are going to die.”

The migraine is getting worse.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

Social Media

Social media is something I’m still getting used to and have yet to really embrace.  Every time I think I know what’s out there someone mentions a new platform that I’ve never heard of. Who has the time to keep up with all this? I’m guessing it’s the pre -teens I see in the nail salon tapping away on their IPhone 6’s.  (I will do an entire piece on today’s generation of entitled brats getting their nails done at age 4 and getting their hair highlighted at 12.)  By the way, I have an IPhone 5s and the only reason I have it is because I shattered the screen on my IPhone 4.  I have since bought a life proof case so I imagine I will have the 5s till the day I die even though the 32GB are completely used up.  My husband has the original Galaxy and only uses it for talk and text. He refuses to install apps or use any of the features except occasionally the camera.  When I was in Europe for two weeks he refused to install anything that would enable us to communicate besides email.  Honestly I think he just wanted some peace and quiet for a while.  He was actually disappointed that when he needed a new phone that he couldn’t get the old style flip phone.

I do love my phone. I talk to Siri all the time.  I use all the functions I can. I tell her to set my alarm.  I ask her the weather. My husband says “don’t you feel stupid talking to your phone?”  Absolutely not.  The one day I forgot my phone at home I spent the day at work feeling like my right arm was missing.  I have apps for everything including where the cheapest gas can be bought and how far away that station is from my current location.

Facebook I understand – it’s basically a way to make your life look perfect and make others feel badly at the reality of their life while looking at the perfection of yours.  Of course, everybody lies and only puts out the Abraham Hicks version of “reality.”  The only good thing I’ve found about Facebook is that it’s enabled me to connect with long lost friends and play silly games that keep me from doing necessary things like laundry, cleaning the house, and feeding the dogs.  I admit I have a certain distain for a certain crop stealing rabbit in Farm Heroes Saga. Every time I see that smug little bugger I want to slap the shit out of my computer screen.  I’ve deactivated my FB account many times but keep going back.  There’s the addiction to chaos again.  Adrien Blackwell are you listening?

Twitter I just don’t understand at all.  I know it is useful for business dealings and was originally started as a way for celebrities to keep in touch with their fans.  I am proud to say I have never tweeted and have no clue what re-tweeting is.  I just don’t get Twitter at all.

Then there’s Instagram.  From what I can gather this is Twitter for people who can’t read. I have no idea what it’s used for, how to use it, and I couldn’t care less. Yet I just discovered I am on there and have 111 followers! I have no idea how this happened and still have no idea how to use it.

I know there are more but I really don’t want to know.  This is  like my parents who didn’t want answering machines, a Betamax, a computer, or a cell phone.  My father died at age 92 without having any of the above.  My 89 year old mother has a flip cell phone only used when she’s in the hospital and an IPad safely tucked away in a closet.  I tried to show her how to face time with me but it fell on deaf ears and truth be told I’m kind of relieved.

Then there’s my biggest pet peeve – hashtags.  I find them completely obnoxious but if you’re in your twenties nothing can be said without a million hashtags.  Anyone who uses hashtags for ANY reason has to watch the Jimmy Fallon/Justin Timberlake video on how stupid you sound using hashtags.  It’s absolutely hysterical and if you continue to use hashtags after you’ve watched it, well, you’re an idiot.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57dzaMaouXA

I suppose eventually I will have to embrace more social media outlets but I’m very adept at putting off things I need to do. If you need evidence of this come to my house and bring some dust rags.

 

Bravo TV

Guilty pleasure: Bravo TV.  I’ve become addicted to Bravo’s reality shows.  This has made me realize that I am addicted to chaos and drama.  That might be why I’m also a fan of Survivor because it’s so Machiavellian in scope.

Of course my favorite shows are the Real Housewives because in reality these shows should be called the Unreal Housewives of Wherever.  I find these people utterly obnoxious, fascinating, and often bat shit crazy.

I don’t watch all of them, just Beverly Hills, OC, NY, and NJ.  We’ll get to Southern Charm later.

If I had to spend the day with any of the housewives it would be Yolanda Foster. She is the only one that appears real, grounded, and normal even though she’s worth a zillion dollars.  Kandi from Atlanta would probably be my second choice.  Watching the housewives in Atlanta I’ve learned a whole new language. I now know how to throw shade, spill tea, and read someone.

All these housewives have more money than God and love to show it off.  Lisa Vanderpump’s closet could house a small country.  Granted, she seems to work quite hard for her money.  They all love to show off their private jets. Despite all their money these housewives do nothing but complain, bicker, and go at each other like pit bulls fighting over a steak. That is except Yolanda who is doing yoga and her master cleanse.   With considerably less than half their money I’d be off riding my horses and traveling, not fighting with “friends” which leads me to the question of why are they  friends in the first place?

Heather Paige Kent Dubrow is one of the most condescending people I’ve ever witnessed. She’s a B list actress at best who resurrected her career through the RHOOC.  I have, however, learned some great new vocabulary words from her.  The most obnoxious thing is that she has a family of 6 and her 50,000 square foot house wasn’t big enough so they sold it for $16,000,000 and are building a 70,000 square foot home.  I’m not sure of the exact dimensions but I’m pretty sure it’s the equivalent of living in a Home Depot.  Keep in mind Mark Cuban is a billionaire with a family of 5 and lives in a 24,000 square foot house.

Brandi from Beverly Hills has parlayed her 15 minutes of drunken f-bombing fame into several book deals and a podcast and various others have managed to create businesses they never would have been able to just from their exposure on these shows.  Not to mention Bravo pays a hefty fee to these women.  Some, like Lisa Vanderpump get insane amounts per episode. I think I read somewhere she gets 500K per episode.

Oddly enough watching these crazy millionaires makes me feel a whole lot better about my modest life.  The biggest fights I have are trying to get my husband to stop smoking in the powder room.

Southern Charm – who thought these bunch of slackers with accents deserve any attention?  It’s like watching a train wreck that you can’t look away from.  You have a 50 something convicted felon who knocked up a 21 year old who then decided it would be a good idea to run for the US Senate.  Why not just set your money on fire?  Of course the 21 year old is kept hidden far away on the plantation.  The rest of them seem completely mindless, content to just live off their trust funds. Better yet, be a 40 year old guy and stay at home with mom who eats breakfast in bed while wearing a fur-trimmed bed jacket.  I will say Cameron is cute and at least is attempting a career even though she married a Dr.  There’s also a guy who went to law school, won’t study for the bar exam, doesn’t show up to work till his boss calls him and does some modeling cause he thinks it’s fun to be pretty and have his picture taken.

I’ve tried to stop watching this stuff, I really have; but, since Two and a Half Men went off the air and I’ve memorized all the episodes there’s really nothing to watch until the next season of Project Runway.

Note to self: keep working on clearing addiction to chaos. Must call Adrien Blackwell ASAP.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

My Quest for Sanity?

aLife was great and I was living large driving a Ferrari, riding my horses, wintering in Florida, and traveling the world. Then circa 2008 the world came crashing down and I lost it all.   Fast forward to depression, anxiety, fear, constant worry, migraines, prescription meds, and a daily meltdown.

I went from happy go lucky to working part time managing an apartment complex and listening to my mother and husband every day saying “with all your degrees, you can’t find a job?”  Therein lies the problem. No one wants to hire a middle aged woman with a Masters Degree because they  actually have to pay me what I am worth.  They are more interested in 20 somethings in high heels and tight skirts who don’t know shit but will work for peanuts.  By the way, mom, have you seen the unemployment rate?

After a couple of years curled up like a cocktail shrimp wanting to die before the bank took my house, I decided there had to be a better way.  I started reading self help books on positive thinking blah blah blah.  I then turned to more spiritual things like Louise Hay and daily affirmations.  I remember standing in the mirror reciting them, feeling like a complete ass.  “I deserve to win the lottery jackpot.”  “I love you Erica.”

I journaled. I made vision boards, I did everything I was “supposed to do,” but nothing was working.  I listened to hours of Abraham Hicks and others and concluded they were getting rich by selling their shtick; they weren’t making other people rich.

I was still miserable and in turn making everyone else around me run for cover which only played into my abandonment issues and made me even more miserable. No one loves me – no one will even talk to me.  Hell, I didn’t even want to be around me.  I wanted to die. Even my brother stopped calling and when I asked him about it he said I was “too depressing to talk to.”

Somehow, I have no idea how, I was introduced to a Facebook (FB from now on) group called I AM IMAGINATION which is based on the teachings of Neville.   Neville died years ago but his recordings and writings are still around.  The guy totally gives me the creeps but the basic premise is if you imagine something you can create it – anything.  The guy who started the group is in Uganda and we became good friends. He would spend HOURS Skyping with me, coaching me, instructing me and I had a few small victories but I am never satisfied. With me it’s go big or go home.  We had gotten so close he had revealed his name, his face, and his phone number.  Then one day he was GONE – poof like he was beamed back to his planet.  Abandoned again, I went off the deep end searching for answers.

I found a chanting group on FB, bought a mala and a Tibetan singing bowl, and started chanting words I could barely pronounce.  At this point my husband, who was certain I had lost my mind, was ready to stage an intervention or have me committed.  “Don’t mock what you don’t understand,” I would say.   So I chanted every day.  Then I started putting bay leaves in my wallet, then started writing numbers on the bay leaves and burning them. I even started using GG codes. I have no idea how it’s supposed to work but I started writing certain sets of numbers on everything.  I started writing “love” on the bottom of glasses  and drinking from them.  When that didn’t produce results, I tried switch words – writing  and chanting them.  Really, I did all this and more. I did everything except howl at the moon.  None of it made any sense or any difference but I met some interesting people who all seemed to be doing the same seemingly crazy things.

I kept reading that appreciation and gratitude are key and find every little thing in your life to appreciate.  When I said “I love you” to my hair dryer I began to think my husband might be right.

THEN the miracle happened.  Her name is Adrien Blackwell and she is a Theta Healer.  askblackwell@gmail.com  Don’t ask me what theta healing is, just google it.  This woman is a gift from the Universe and changed my life.  She explained to me that the reason I could not manifest what I wanted is because deep in the core of my DNA I was blocked and she could clear those blocks over the phone.  After a 15 minute free session I felt at peace and calm for the first time since 2008.  Upon waking the next morning I felt happy.  I hadn’t felt happy since the Clinton years.  The very next day things started happening. I was contacted about a freelance job, a friend who abandoned me two and a half years ago called out of the blue, another person apologized for being a dick (his exact words), and more.  Finally something that works!  When you contact, her tell her I sent you because for every referral I get a free travel mug.

I did backslide into anxiety, worry, fear, etc. but with Adrien’s help things keep getting better and I am learning how to handle my emotions as they come instead of letting them overcome me. Ok, confession: one guy pissed me off so badly I couldn’t let it go and stewed in it for several days, knowing full well he didn’t give a shit.  That story will be told in another post.

I continue to work with Adrien and have cleared so many things about my relationships with my parents, childhood, etc. that have kept all those other things from working.

They say follow your passion and the money will follow.  My passions are writing and riding horses. So here you go Adrien – I’m writing.

Everyone feel free to send checks or PayPal.  🙂    I need a horse.

Erica@ericaontheedge.com

 

My New Blog!

Ok so here it is – MY NEW BLOG!

Why a blog? Well there are many reasons.

First I’m a writer but more importantly I have opinions about everything that need to be candidly and safely expressed. What safer place than on the Internet where the entire world can see it?

I was the original Murphy Brown – a pioneer for women journalists in the 80s, but I also have her personality.  When the show came on I didn’t watch it for the first three seasons. People kept telling me I had to watch it because Murphy Brown was ME. I finally gave in and was hooked. To this day I think it’s one of the best written sitcoms of all time.  Many people didn’t like Murphy but being likened to her was a great compliment to me.  (If I only looked like Candace Bergen, sigh.)

My boss once told me that I turn every conversation into one about myself and I instantly replied, “I can’t help it if I’m the most interesting person I know.”  A split second later I realized that was an exact conversation from an episode of Murphy Brown.

What can you expect from my blog? Basically whatever is on my mind at the time – could be humor, could be a rant, could be a rave – you never know what you’ll find here but I promise it will always be interesting and hopefully insightful and amusing.

At this point in time I’m new to Word Press and I know there is a learning curve. I have the patience of a flea so I’m sure there will be a lot of tech mistakes and oh shit moments.  My attention span just doesn’t allow for hours of video tutorials. I’m more the learn as you go type, which is not always a good thing and I have a sneaking suspicion that in some cases it might be a really bad thing.

We will find out together, won’t we!

Erica@ericaontheedge.com